As 2008 comes to a close, I find myself wishing I lived in a different place. It’s not just because of this fucking horrible three week long cold snap which had my dick and balls going on a southbound vacation without me weeks ago; this quiet yearning comes from the despair any sports fan would have if their “teams” were the Edmonton Oilers, the Toronto Raptors, and the Tornoto Blue Jays. 2008 has not been a kind year for fans of these clubs, and 2009 looks no better as these teams prepare to eagerly receive the dreaded teabag of mediocrity for at least one more year. Let’s have a peak under these sordid covers, shall we:
a) Edmonton Oilers – Where do I begin? The Oilers cannot kill penalties or win faceoffs. They carry three mediocre goalies on their roster. They grossly overpay average players. They struggle to beat bad teams. They cannot play with any consistency at home. They have too many undersized forwards. They have no grit. The culture of the organization remains unchanged after nearly a decade of futility and the kind of perpetual excuse making that would have a politician giggling in disbelief. In short, this club is fucked; not in a dirty, sexy way, or even a severe brain injury kind of way, but in a frozen, incompetent kind of way. Fire the coach, fire Kevin Lowe, and make this organization accountable again. If this team makes the playoffs they will get smoked like a huge Jamaican blunt in the first round. If they miss out, they’ll get a shitty mid first round pick. As always, stuck between shit and shit. Good times!
b) Toronto Raptors – Can’t rebound. Can’t defend. Lack of athleticism. No trade assets to speak of. The team’s lone superstar (Chris Bosh if you don’t dig basketball) stopped trying about 10 games ago. The second banana (Jermaine O’Neal) makes $20 million a year, and can’t play more than 3 games without getting hurt. The $9 million point guard (Jose Calderon) couldn’t guard a wheelchair player. They are roughly in the same draft/playoff situation as the Oilers. Yay! Some nights, I watch the Raptors and Oilers lose in back-to-back games. My wife hides in a different room as I rage, throw things, and vomit all over my feet. Fuck me.
c) The Yankees spent $72 billion dollars in the offseason on 2 starting pitchers and a Gold Glove/Silver Slugger first baseman. The Red Sox are still very good. The Tampa Rays will contend again, as their roster is very young and uber talented. The Jays: they signed some cast-offs, lost their #2 starter, and have no fucking shot next year, according to both their manager and general manager. Is there even a point to playing the games next year?
As you might have guessed, I’ve embraced fantanking for all of the above teams. The Oilers might as well do something to attract elite talent, with the draft being the only way this club can do it without overspending for marginal free agents. The Raptors are fucking horrible and should once again strap dynamite to the roster. The Jays play in the most competitive division in baseball. The worst part is the lack of accountability in these clubs; management spins wheels, keeps the same ineffective GMs and coaches, and continues to suck huge sweaty bags of dicks and balls. It hurts to watch as a fan, but I comfort myself by saying hey, it could be worse. Right Detroit Lions and Buffalo Bills fans?
JB
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