As 2008 comes to a close, I find myself wishing I lived in a different place. It’s not just because of this fucking horrible three week long cold snap which had my dick and balls going on a southbound vacation without me weeks ago; this quiet yearning comes from the despair any sports fan would have if their “teams” were the Edmonton Oilers, the Toronto Raptors, and the Tornoto Blue Jays. 2008 has not been a kind year for fans of these clubs, and 2009 looks no better as these teams prepare to eagerly receive the dreaded teabag of mediocrity for at least one more year. Let’s have a peak under these sordid covers, shall we:
a) Edmonton Oilers – Where do I begin? The Oilers cannot kill penalties or win faceoffs. They carry three mediocre goalies on their roster. They grossly overpay average players. They struggle to beat bad teams. They cannot play with any consistency at home. They have too many undersized forwards. They have no grit. The culture of the organization remains unchanged after nearly a decade of futility and the kind of perpetual excuse making that would have a politician giggling in disbelief. In short, this club is fucked; not in a dirty, sexy way, or even a severe brain injury kind of way, but in a frozen, incompetent kind of way. Fire the coach, fire Kevin Lowe, and make this organization accountable again. If this team makes the playoffs they will get smoked like a huge Jamaican blunt in the first round. If they miss out, they’ll get a shitty mid first round pick. As always, stuck between shit and shit. Good times!
b) Toronto Raptors – Can’t rebound. Can’t defend. Lack of athleticism. No trade assets to speak of. The team’s lone superstar (Chris Bosh if you don’t dig basketball) stopped trying about 10 games ago. The second banana (Jermaine O’Neal) makes $20 million a year, and can’t play more than 3 games without getting hurt. The $9 million point guard (Jose Calderon) couldn’t guard a wheelchair player. They are roughly in the same draft/playoff situation as the Oilers. Yay! Some nights, I watch the Raptors and Oilers lose in back-to-back games. My wife hides in a different room as I rage, throw things, and vomit all over my feet. Fuck me.
c) The Yankees spent $72 billion dollars in the offseason on 2 starting pitchers and a Gold Glove/Silver Slugger first baseman. The Red Sox are still very good. The Tampa Rays will contend again, as their roster is very young and uber talented. The Jays: they signed some cast-offs, lost their #2 starter, and have no fucking shot next year, according to both their manager and general manager. Is there even a point to playing the games next year?
As you might have guessed, I’ve embraced fantanking for all of the above teams. The Oilers might as well do something to attract elite talent, with the draft being the only way this club can do it without overspending for marginal free agents. The Raptors are fucking horrible and should once again strap dynamite to the roster. The Jays play in the most competitive division in baseball. The worst part is the lack of accountability in these clubs; management spins wheels, keeps the same ineffective GMs and coaches, and continues to suck huge sweaty bags of dicks and balls. It hurts to watch as a fan, but I comfort myself by saying hey, it could be worse. Right Detroit Lions and Buffalo Bills fans?
JB
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Team Wish List
Here is a list of things that might appear on each teams letter to Santa:
Anaheim-for a bad case of VD to hit Brain Burke as payment for the shit storm he left when he departed for the Big Smoke.
Atlanta-someone to play with Ilya Kovalchuk.
Boston-the return of Cam Neely to put them over the hump for a cup.
Buffalo-another RFA offer sheet this off season from the Oilers to ensure they don’t lose their best players to other markets in the future.
Calgary-for Iggy to develop a more marketable persona…like the Blue Blazer (at least according to Sean Avery) and for Dion Phaneuf to move on to the sloppy seconds of Mark Messier, and A-rod. Isn’t Madonna old enough to be his Mom?
Chicago-more games against the Edmonton Oilers and a flavored mouth guard for Caine so he keeps it in his mouth.
Carolina-a firecracker to stick up Staal’s ass or maybe that will be Paul Maurice.
Columbus-for someone to find Leclaire’s mojo.
Colorado-a snow blower safety manual for Sakic.
Dallas-I think we all know….for Ed Belfour to return as his asshole antics pale in comparison to Avery.
Detroit-do they need anything? An economic stimulus package to help their fans afford tickets.
Edmonton-a true first line centre to play with Hemsky.
Florida-free BJ for Jay-bo so he wants to stay.
Los Angeles-a tender to back stop their youth.
Minnesota-entertaining hockey
Montreal-smoked meat.
Nashville-for Radulov to come crawling back.
New Jersey-speedy return for Brodeur to ensure he breaks all of Roy’s records.
New York Islanders-a return to the Captain High Liner jersey logo so they can have a fish and chip promo night.
New York Rangers-an end to the Sundin saga.
Ottawa-an attitude adjustment.
Philadelphia-a great big hell ya that Clarke is nothing more than figure head, and has stopped fucking up their cup chances with bad trades, and crappy free agent signings.
Phoenix-for the Great One to see the light.
Pittsburgh-for Crosby and Malkin to become the next decade long one two punch that rivals the likes of Gretzky/Messier or Lemieux/Jagr.
San Jose- for Joe Thornton to play up to his full potential in playoffs.
St. Louis-to stop trading for Toronto’s spare parts.
Tampa Bay-more forwards and fewer quality d-men as they could do a much better job of supplying teams in Europe with their over paid signings.
Toronto-a goalie with a save % at least in the top 30.
Vancouver-enough pads and pons for the Sedin sister as they mature, and a real GM.
Washington-for the cap to go up so they can keep their team together.
Merry X-mas,
The Hac
Anaheim-for a bad case of VD to hit Brain Burke as payment for the shit storm he left when he departed for the Big Smoke.
Atlanta-someone to play with Ilya Kovalchuk.
Boston-the return of Cam Neely to put them over the hump for a cup.
Buffalo-another RFA offer sheet this off season from the Oilers to ensure they don’t lose their best players to other markets in the future.
Calgary-for Iggy to develop a more marketable persona…like the Blue Blazer (at least according to Sean Avery) and for Dion Phaneuf to move on to the sloppy seconds of Mark Messier, and A-rod. Isn’t Madonna old enough to be his Mom?
Chicago-more games against the Edmonton Oilers and a flavored mouth guard for Caine so he keeps it in his mouth.
Carolina-a firecracker to stick up Staal’s ass or maybe that will be Paul Maurice.
Columbus-for someone to find Leclaire’s mojo.
Colorado-a snow blower safety manual for Sakic.
Dallas-I think we all know….for Ed Belfour to return as his asshole antics pale in comparison to Avery.
Detroit-do they need anything? An economic stimulus package to help their fans afford tickets.
Edmonton-a true first line centre to play with Hemsky.
Florida-free BJ for Jay-bo so he wants to stay.
Los Angeles-a tender to back stop their youth.
Minnesota-entertaining hockey
Montreal-smoked meat.
Nashville-for Radulov to come crawling back.
New Jersey-speedy return for Brodeur to ensure he breaks all of Roy’s records.
New York Islanders-a return to the Captain High Liner jersey logo so they can have a fish and chip promo night.
New York Rangers-an end to the Sundin saga.
Ottawa-an attitude adjustment.
Philadelphia-a great big hell ya that Clarke is nothing more than figure head, and has stopped fucking up their cup chances with bad trades, and crappy free agent signings.
Phoenix-for the Great One to see the light.
Pittsburgh-for Crosby and Malkin to become the next decade long one two punch that rivals the likes of Gretzky/Messier or Lemieux/Jagr.
San Jose- for Joe Thornton to play up to his full potential in playoffs.
St. Louis-to stop trading for Toronto’s spare parts.
Tampa Bay-more forwards and fewer quality d-men as they could do a much better job of supplying teams in Europe with their over paid signings.
Toronto-a goalie with a save % at least in the top 30.
Vancouver-enough pads and pons for the Sedin sister as they mature, and a real GM.
Washington-for the cap to go up so they can keep their team together.
Merry X-mas,
The Hac
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
I Love the Tampa Bay Lightning!
When I was a kid, I loved the movie “The Last Boy Scout.” I didn’t love it because it was well-scripted, had riveting action sequences, or featured terrific chemistry between Bruce Willis and Damon Wayans. I loved it because it was such a piece of shit it was almost laughably wicked. Outside of a premise so fucking stupid you’d have to possess a George Bush-ian suspension of disbelief to get into the movie, the script was cliché-ridden and the acting was pathetic. In other word, this flick was a trifecta of shit, for which it will always hold a special place in my heart.
This brings me to my love of the Tampa Bay Lightning. To say this franchise is the laughingstock of the NHL is kind of like saying Scott Baio is a bit washed up. The most recent Lightning fiasco involves free-agent bust Radim Vrbata taking his ball and going home to the Czech Republic to finish the season. Nicely done. In the infamous words of former NBA player Micheal Ray Richardson, “the ship be sinking.” If Vrbata would rather play back in Europe than stick with the Lightning, now on their second coach, the boat is sinking like it’s got a gut full of Taco fucking Tuesday in it.
The Lightning also put good soldier Chris Gratton on waivers, where he was picked up by the Leafs. Yeesh! That’s a slight upgrade for Gratton as I see it, because I’m pretty sure Brian Burke is going to light a huge stick of dynamite and blow that thing up like Meg Ryan’s lips before the trade deadline.
Anyways, the Lightning fucking suck. Really bad. I’ve already gone into great description in previous posts, so I’ll keep it short here. I’m having an awesome time watching the Len & Oren show at work: rookie GM, hiring the Mullet, 75 free agent forward signings, trading Dan Boyle, firing the Mullet, hiring Rick “the Gambler” Tocchet, and now begins the gutting of the roster. This shit is awesome. I wish I could be a fly on the wall in Lightning management meetings:
“Fuck. Vrbata’s not working out. What should we do?”
“Fire the coach?”
“We just did that. How about we ask him to go home?”
"Sure. We’re gonna have a hard time making payroll this month. Let’s throw someone on waivers. How about Gratton?”
"Sounds good. Is it too late to send Stamkos down? Can we trade Meszaros for draft picks?”
Fucking awesome. I can’t wait until the Lightning finish last, fire Tocchet, hire Jacques Demers, trade Steven Stamkos, trade down in the draft for an extra 2nd round pick, sigh Martin St. Louis to a ten-year contract extension, and then make the players paint the face of Jigsaw from the “Saw” movie franchise on their helmets.
I love the Lightning. And Jim Ballsillie wasn’t good enough for the NHL?
JB
This brings me to my love of the Tampa Bay Lightning. To say this franchise is the laughingstock of the NHL is kind of like saying Scott Baio is a bit washed up. The most recent Lightning fiasco involves free-agent bust Radim Vrbata taking his ball and going home to the Czech Republic to finish the season. Nicely done. In the infamous words of former NBA player Micheal Ray Richardson, “the ship be sinking.” If Vrbata would rather play back in Europe than stick with the Lightning, now on their second coach, the boat is sinking like it’s got a gut full of Taco fucking Tuesday in it.
The Lightning also put good soldier Chris Gratton on waivers, where he was picked up by the Leafs. Yeesh! That’s a slight upgrade for Gratton as I see it, because I’m pretty sure Brian Burke is going to light a huge stick of dynamite and blow that thing up like Meg Ryan’s lips before the trade deadline.
Anyways, the Lightning fucking suck. Really bad. I’ve already gone into great description in previous posts, so I’ll keep it short here. I’m having an awesome time watching the Len & Oren show at work: rookie GM, hiring the Mullet, 75 free agent forward signings, trading Dan Boyle, firing the Mullet, hiring Rick “the Gambler” Tocchet, and now begins the gutting of the roster. This shit is awesome. I wish I could be a fly on the wall in Lightning management meetings:
“Fuck. Vrbata’s not working out. What should we do?”
“Fire the coach?”
“We just did that. How about we ask him to go home?”
"Sure. We’re gonna have a hard time making payroll this month. Let’s throw someone on waivers. How about Gratton?”
"Sounds good. Is it too late to send Stamkos down? Can we trade Meszaros for draft picks?”
Fucking awesome. I can’t wait until the Lightning finish last, fire Tocchet, hire Jacques Demers, trade Steven Stamkos, trade down in the draft for an extra 2nd round pick, sigh Martin St. Louis to a ten-year contract extension, and then make the players paint the face of Jigsaw from the “Saw” movie franchise on their helmets.
I love the Lightning. And Jim Ballsillie wasn’t good enough for the NHL?
JB
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Sean Avery - Tool or Douchebag?
Jackass. Loser. Asshole. All words that could apply to current Dallas Star and future contract without a home Sean Avery, whose quest to make himself the most famous 3rd line player in NHL history hit fever pitch with a saucy reference to his ex-girlfriends, one of whom just happens to be dating Calgary Flame d-man Dion Phaneuf. Am I offended by the comment? Hell no. If you’ve read this blog, it should be clear language does not bother me, and frankly, I’ve heard and said things far more offensive. What does bother me though is brain dead fuck-tools who think they are bigger than their teammates and organization. In this respect, Avery’s comment finally snapped the bullshit threshold. Big surprise.
So, what now. His teammates clearly hate this fucking douchebag, perhaps even more than his ex-girlfriends. Coach Dave Tippett wants nothing to do with him. GM Brett Hull is angry and looks like a jackass for signing him in the first place( incidentally, this 4 year, $16 million contract is one of the worst in league history. Even if Avery didn’t melt down, he’s a third line player! What the fuck?). Owner Tom Hicks is ashamed. If Avery is somehow cut, he’s going to find it very difficult to find a new gig; teams should be wary of a marginal player who destroys team chemistry, is obsessed with self-promotion, and has a knack for going “full-retard” with no warning signs.
The irritating aspect of this cock-knocker’s career is that he is clearly striving for a fame that his talent doesn’t allow for. Sean Avery has been vastly overrated as a hockey player. Left to his abilities, he would be another faceless NHL pro: loved by local hockey fans, but ignored by the vast majority of the population. Not satisfied with this, he’s trying to create a Sean Avery image or character, which apparently is meant to signify stupidity, arrogance, and selfishness. Avery fails to realize he is nobody without hockey; the only thing that makes him remotely interesting is his job. The rest is bullshit. Where’s Dennis Rodman now? Who knows? As soon as got bounced out of the NBA, he stopped being interesting in most every way. We don’t need a magic 8-ball to figure out where the road leads for Avery.
In summary, it wouldn’t bother me if this fucking jag-off never played in the NHL again. He contributes nothing, destroys his team and embarrasses the NHL, and is generally an attention-seeking loser. In short, he is the reality TV show of the NHL; base, obvious, and ultimately totally forgettable.
JB
So, what now. His teammates clearly hate this fucking douchebag, perhaps even more than his ex-girlfriends. Coach Dave Tippett wants nothing to do with him. GM Brett Hull is angry and looks like a jackass for signing him in the first place( incidentally, this 4 year, $16 million contract is one of the worst in league history. Even if Avery didn’t melt down, he’s a third line player! What the fuck?). Owner Tom Hicks is ashamed. If Avery is somehow cut, he’s going to find it very difficult to find a new gig; teams should be wary of a marginal player who destroys team chemistry, is obsessed with self-promotion, and has a knack for going “full-retard” with no warning signs.
The irritating aspect of this cock-knocker’s career is that he is clearly striving for a fame that his talent doesn’t allow for. Sean Avery has been vastly overrated as a hockey player. Left to his abilities, he would be another faceless NHL pro: loved by local hockey fans, but ignored by the vast majority of the population. Not satisfied with this, he’s trying to create a Sean Avery image or character, which apparently is meant to signify stupidity, arrogance, and selfishness. Avery fails to realize he is nobody without hockey; the only thing that makes him remotely interesting is his job. The rest is bullshit. Where’s Dennis Rodman now? Who knows? As soon as got bounced out of the NBA, he stopped being interesting in most every way. We don’t need a magic 8-ball to figure out where the road leads for Avery.
In summary, it wouldn’t bother me if this fucking jag-off never played in the NHL again. He contributes nothing, destroys his team and embarrasses the NHL, and is generally an attention-seeking loser. In short, he is the reality TV show of the NHL; base, obvious, and ultimately totally forgettable.
JB
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
What Do You Mean No Cup? It’s Been Almost a Week!
Well, the sickening and clumsy Maple Leaf courtship of Brian Burke is over. The worst kept secret in hockey (okay, second worst. The fact that Gary Bettman is a fucking joke is the worst kept secret.) has finally come out of the closet, and now Leaf fans and Toronto media are hailing Burke’s signing as the second coming of Christ, which is kind of funny considering they’ve just experienced the second coming of Cliff Fletcher.
And now what? It’s true to say Brian Burke has largely been successful for the majority of his career. I’ll skip over his time in Hartford (I still love you Whalers!) to the Canucks, whom he resurrected from the depths of shite, and on to the Ducks, where he inherited a nice young roster, added 2 key lynchpins (Pronger and Niedermayer) and won a Cup. That he has somewhat mangled the Ducks roster and salary cap since then is probably irrelevant to Leafs fans, who finally have a respectable hockey guy running the show after enduring the JFJ reign of suck.
The Burke era will not be boring. For starters, he’s a belligerent bully fuck who is self-righteous and indignant when challenged by others (like Kevin Lowe, or even Al Strachan for Christ’s sake). On top of that, he has lots of caps space to play with, the green light to tear the franchise apart in order to rebuild it, and a 6 year contract that allows him the freedom and confidence to do anything he wants, including sodomizing Tomas Kaberle should he see fit. I suspect Burke will restock the farm, and try to stockpile some talent at both the minor league and NHL level. The Leafs are scrappy and hard-working, but clearly lack the talent to realistically compete for a playoff spot over the long NHL season. While Fletcher cleared out some of the deadwood, I think the yard sale will continue.
Will the Leafs win a Cup? If history is any indication, probably not. The Stanley Cup is the hardest championship to win in professional sports, and I suspect there won’t be any Chris Pronger’s falling into Burke’s lap this time (did I mention that was a BRUTAL trade for the Oilers?). At they very least, the Leafs will have an actual plan for the first time in years, and will likely be consistently competitive after some early growing pains. If you’re a Leafs fan, that’s probably a good start; hell, I’m an Oilers fan, and I’d settle for competitive. My team licks pouch.
And now what? It’s true to say Brian Burke has largely been successful for the majority of his career. I’ll skip over his time in Hartford (I still love you Whalers!) to the Canucks, whom he resurrected from the depths of shite, and on to the Ducks, where he inherited a nice young roster, added 2 key lynchpins (Pronger and Niedermayer) and won a Cup. That he has somewhat mangled the Ducks roster and salary cap since then is probably irrelevant to Leafs fans, who finally have a respectable hockey guy running the show after enduring the JFJ reign of suck.
The Burke era will not be boring. For starters, he’s a belligerent bully fuck who is self-righteous and indignant when challenged by others (like Kevin Lowe, or even Al Strachan for Christ’s sake). On top of that, he has lots of caps space to play with, the green light to tear the franchise apart in order to rebuild it, and a 6 year contract that allows him the freedom and confidence to do anything he wants, including sodomizing Tomas Kaberle should he see fit. I suspect Burke will restock the farm, and try to stockpile some talent at both the minor league and NHL level. The Leafs are scrappy and hard-working, but clearly lack the talent to realistically compete for a playoff spot over the long NHL season. While Fletcher cleared out some of the deadwood, I think the yard sale will continue.
Will the Leafs win a Cup? If history is any indication, probably not. The Stanley Cup is the hardest championship to win in professional sports, and I suspect there won’t be any Chris Pronger’s falling into Burke’s lap this time (did I mention that was a BRUTAL trade for the Oilers?). At they very least, the Leafs will have an actual plan for the first time in years, and will likely be consistently competitive after some early growing pains. If you’re a Leafs fan, that’s probably a good start; hell, I’m an Oilers fan, and I’d settle for competitive. My team licks pouch.
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