As 2008 comes to a close, I find myself wishing I lived in a different place. It’s not just because of this fucking horrible three week long cold snap which had my dick and balls going on a southbound vacation without me weeks ago; this quiet yearning comes from the despair any sports fan would have if their “teams” were the Edmonton Oilers, the Toronto Raptors, and the Tornoto Blue Jays. 2008 has not been a kind year for fans of these clubs, and 2009 looks no better as these teams prepare to eagerly receive the dreaded teabag of mediocrity for at least one more year. Let’s have a peak under these sordid covers, shall we:
a) Edmonton Oilers – Where do I begin? The Oilers cannot kill penalties or win faceoffs. They carry three mediocre goalies on their roster. They grossly overpay average players. They struggle to beat bad teams. They cannot play with any consistency at home. They have too many undersized forwards. They have no grit. The culture of the organization remains unchanged after nearly a decade of futility and the kind of perpetual excuse making that would have a politician giggling in disbelief. In short, this club is fucked; not in a dirty, sexy way, or even a severe brain injury kind of way, but in a frozen, incompetent kind of way. Fire the coach, fire Kevin Lowe, and make this organization accountable again. If this team makes the playoffs they will get smoked like a huge Jamaican blunt in the first round. If they miss out, they’ll get a shitty mid first round pick. As always, stuck between shit and shit. Good times!
b) Toronto Raptors – Can’t rebound. Can’t defend. Lack of athleticism. No trade assets to speak of. The team’s lone superstar (Chris Bosh if you don’t dig basketball) stopped trying about 10 games ago. The second banana (Jermaine O’Neal) makes $20 million a year, and can’t play more than 3 games without getting hurt. The $9 million point guard (Jose Calderon) couldn’t guard a wheelchair player. They are roughly in the same draft/playoff situation as the Oilers. Yay! Some nights, I watch the Raptors and Oilers lose in back-to-back games. My wife hides in a different room as I rage, throw things, and vomit all over my feet. Fuck me.
c) The Yankees spent $72 billion dollars in the offseason on 2 starting pitchers and a Gold Glove/Silver Slugger first baseman. The Red Sox are still very good. The Tampa Rays will contend again, as their roster is very young and uber talented. The Jays: they signed some cast-offs, lost their #2 starter, and have no fucking shot next year, according to both their manager and general manager. Is there even a point to playing the games next year?
As you might have guessed, I’ve embraced fantanking for all of the above teams. The Oilers might as well do something to attract elite talent, with the draft being the only way this club can do it without overspending for marginal free agents. The Raptors are fucking horrible and should once again strap dynamite to the roster. The Jays play in the most competitive division in baseball. The worst part is the lack of accountability in these clubs; management spins wheels, keeps the same ineffective GMs and coaches, and continues to suck huge sweaty bags of dicks and balls. It hurts to watch as a fan, but I comfort myself by saying hey, it could be worse. Right Detroit Lions and Buffalo Bills fans?
JB
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Team Wish List
Here is a list of things that might appear on each teams letter to Santa:
Anaheim-for a bad case of VD to hit Brain Burke as payment for the shit storm he left when he departed for the Big Smoke.
Atlanta-someone to play with Ilya Kovalchuk.
Boston-the return of Cam Neely to put them over the hump for a cup.
Buffalo-another RFA offer sheet this off season from the Oilers to ensure they don’t lose their best players to other markets in the future.
Calgary-for Iggy to develop a more marketable persona…like the Blue Blazer (at least according to Sean Avery) and for Dion Phaneuf to move on to the sloppy seconds of Mark Messier, and A-rod. Isn’t Madonna old enough to be his Mom?
Chicago-more games against the Edmonton Oilers and a flavored mouth guard for Caine so he keeps it in his mouth.
Carolina-a firecracker to stick up Staal’s ass or maybe that will be Paul Maurice.
Columbus-for someone to find Leclaire’s mojo.
Colorado-a snow blower safety manual for Sakic.
Dallas-I think we all know….for Ed Belfour to return as his asshole antics pale in comparison to Avery.
Detroit-do they need anything? An economic stimulus package to help their fans afford tickets.
Edmonton-a true first line centre to play with Hemsky.
Florida-free BJ for Jay-bo so he wants to stay.
Los Angeles-a tender to back stop their youth.
Minnesota-entertaining hockey
Montreal-smoked meat.
Nashville-for Radulov to come crawling back.
New Jersey-speedy return for Brodeur to ensure he breaks all of Roy’s records.
New York Islanders-a return to the Captain High Liner jersey logo so they can have a fish and chip promo night.
New York Rangers-an end to the Sundin saga.
Ottawa-an attitude adjustment.
Philadelphia-a great big hell ya that Clarke is nothing more than figure head, and has stopped fucking up their cup chances with bad trades, and crappy free agent signings.
Phoenix-for the Great One to see the light.
Pittsburgh-for Crosby and Malkin to become the next decade long one two punch that rivals the likes of Gretzky/Messier or Lemieux/Jagr.
San Jose- for Joe Thornton to play up to his full potential in playoffs.
St. Louis-to stop trading for Toronto’s spare parts.
Tampa Bay-more forwards and fewer quality d-men as they could do a much better job of supplying teams in Europe with their over paid signings.
Toronto-a goalie with a save % at least in the top 30.
Vancouver-enough pads and pons for the Sedin sister as they mature, and a real GM.
Washington-for the cap to go up so they can keep their team together.
Merry X-mas,
The Hac
Anaheim-for a bad case of VD to hit Brain Burke as payment for the shit storm he left when he departed for the Big Smoke.
Atlanta-someone to play with Ilya Kovalchuk.
Boston-the return of Cam Neely to put them over the hump for a cup.
Buffalo-another RFA offer sheet this off season from the Oilers to ensure they don’t lose their best players to other markets in the future.
Calgary-for Iggy to develop a more marketable persona…like the Blue Blazer (at least according to Sean Avery) and for Dion Phaneuf to move on to the sloppy seconds of Mark Messier, and A-rod. Isn’t Madonna old enough to be his Mom?
Chicago-more games against the Edmonton Oilers and a flavored mouth guard for Caine so he keeps it in his mouth.
Carolina-a firecracker to stick up Staal’s ass or maybe that will be Paul Maurice.
Columbus-for someone to find Leclaire’s mojo.
Colorado-a snow blower safety manual for Sakic.
Dallas-I think we all know….for Ed Belfour to return as his asshole antics pale in comparison to Avery.
Detroit-do they need anything? An economic stimulus package to help their fans afford tickets.
Edmonton-a true first line centre to play with Hemsky.
Florida-free BJ for Jay-bo so he wants to stay.
Los Angeles-a tender to back stop their youth.
Minnesota-entertaining hockey
Montreal-smoked meat.
Nashville-for Radulov to come crawling back.
New Jersey-speedy return for Brodeur to ensure he breaks all of Roy’s records.
New York Islanders-a return to the Captain High Liner jersey logo so they can have a fish and chip promo night.
New York Rangers-an end to the Sundin saga.
Ottawa-an attitude adjustment.
Philadelphia-a great big hell ya that Clarke is nothing more than figure head, and has stopped fucking up their cup chances with bad trades, and crappy free agent signings.
Phoenix-for the Great One to see the light.
Pittsburgh-for Crosby and Malkin to become the next decade long one two punch that rivals the likes of Gretzky/Messier or Lemieux/Jagr.
San Jose- for Joe Thornton to play up to his full potential in playoffs.
St. Louis-to stop trading for Toronto’s spare parts.
Tampa Bay-more forwards and fewer quality d-men as they could do a much better job of supplying teams in Europe with their over paid signings.
Toronto-a goalie with a save % at least in the top 30.
Vancouver-enough pads and pons for the Sedin sister as they mature, and a real GM.
Washington-for the cap to go up so they can keep their team together.
Merry X-mas,
The Hac
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
I Love the Tampa Bay Lightning!
When I was a kid, I loved the movie “The Last Boy Scout.” I didn’t love it because it was well-scripted, had riveting action sequences, or featured terrific chemistry between Bruce Willis and Damon Wayans. I loved it because it was such a piece of shit it was almost laughably wicked. Outside of a premise so fucking stupid you’d have to possess a George Bush-ian suspension of disbelief to get into the movie, the script was cliché-ridden and the acting was pathetic. In other word, this flick was a trifecta of shit, for which it will always hold a special place in my heart.
This brings me to my love of the Tampa Bay Lightning. To say this franchise is the laughingstock of the NHL is kind of like saying Scott Baio is a bit washed up. The most recent Lightning fiasco involves free-agent bust Radim Vrbata taking his ball and going home to the Czech Republic to finish the season. Nicely done. In the infamous words of former NBA player Micheal Ray Richardson, “the ship be sinking.” If Vrbata would rather play back in Europe than stick with the Lightning, now on their second coach, the boat is sinking like it’s got a gut full of Taco fucking Tuesday in it.
The Lightning also put good soldier Chris Gratton on waivers, where he was picked up by the Leafs. Yeesh! That’s a slight upgrade for Gratton as I see it, because I’m pretty sure Brian Burke is going to light a huge stick of dynamite and blow that thing up like Meg Ryan’s lips before the trade deadline.
Anyways, the Lightning fucking suck. Really bad. I’ve already gone into great description in previous posts, so I’ll keep it short here. I’m having an awesome time watching the Len & Oren show at work: rookie GM, hiring the Mullet, 75 free agent forward signings, trading Dan Boyle, firing the Mullet, hiring Rick “the Gambler” Tocchet, and now begins the gutting of the roster. This shit is awesome. I wish I could be a fly on the wall in Lightning management meetings:
“Fuck. Vrbata’s not working out. What should we do?”
“Fire the coach?”
“We just did that. How about we ask him to go home?”
"Sure. We’re gonna have a hard time making payroll this month. Let’s throw someone on waivers. How about Gratton?”
"Sounds good. Is it too late to send Stamkos down? Can we trade Meszaros for draft picks?”
Fucking awesome. I can’t wait until the Lightning finish last, fire Tocchet, hire Jacques Demers, trade Steven Stamkos, trade down in the draft for an extra 2nd round pick, sigh Martin St. Louis to a ten-year contract extension, and then make the players paint the face of Jigsaw from the “Saw” movie franchise on their helmets.
I love the Lightning. And Jim Ballsillie wasn’t good enough for the NHL?
JB
This brings me to my love of the Tampa Bay Lightning. To say this franchise is the laughingstock of the NHL is kind of like saying Scott Baio is a bit washed up. The most recent Lightning fiasco involves free-agent bust Radim Vrbata taking his ball and going home to the Czech Republic to finish the season. Nicely done. In the infamous words of former NBA player Micheal Ray Richardson, “the ship be sinking.” If Vrbata would rather play back in Europe than stick with the Lightning, now on their second coach, the boat is sinking like it’s got a gut full of Taco fucking Tuesday in it.
The Lightning also put good soldier Chris Gratton on waivers, where he was picked up by the Leafs. Yeesh! That’s a slight upgrade for Gratton as I see it, because I’m pretty sure Brian Burke is going to light a huge stick of dynamite and blow that thing up like Meg Ryan’s lips before the trade deadline.
Anyways, the Lightning fucking suck. Really bad. I’ve already gone into great description in previous posts, so I’ll keep it short here. I’m having an awesome time watching the Len & Oren show at work: rookie GM, hiring the Mullet, 75 free agent forward signings, trading Dan Boyle, firing the Mullet, hiring Rick “the Gambler” Tocchet, and now begins the gutting of the roster. This shit is awesome. I wish I could be a fly on the wall in Lightning management meetings:
“Fuck. Vrbata’s not working out. What should we do?”
“Fire the coach?”
“We just did that. How about we ask him to go home?”
"Sure. We’re gonna have a hard time making payroll this month. Let’s throw someone on waivers. How about Gratton?”
"Sounds good. Is it too late to send Stamkos down? Can we trade Meszaros for draft picks?”
Fucking awesome. I can’t wait until the Lightning finish last, fire Tocchet, hire Jacques Demers, trade Steven Stamkos, trade down in the draft for an extra 2nd round pick, sigh Martin St. Louis to a ten-year contract extension, and then make the players paint the face of Jigsaw from the “Saw” movie franchise on their helmets.
I love the Lightning. And Jim Ballsillie wasn’t good enough for the NHL?
JB
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Sean Avery - Tool or Douchebag?
Jackass. Loser. Asshole. All words that could apply to current Dallas Star and future contract without a home Sean Avery, whose quest to make himself the most famous 3rd line player in NHL history hit fever pitch with a saucy reference to his ex-girlfriends, one of whom just happens to be dating Calgary Flame d-man Dion Phaneuf. Am I offended by the comment? Hell no. If you’ve read this blog, it should be clear language does not bother me, and frankly, I’ve heard and said things far more offensive. What does bother me though is brain dead fuck-tools who think they are bigger than their teammates and organization. In this respect, Avery’s comment finally snapped the bullshit threshold. Big surprise.
So, what now. His teammates clearly hate this fucking douchebag, perhaps even more than his ex-girlfriends. Coach Dave Tippett wants nothing to do with him. GM Brett Hull is angry and looks like a jackass for signing him in the first place( incidentally, this 4 year, $16 million contract is one of the worst in league history. Even if Avery didn’t melt down, he’s a third line player! What the fuck?). Owner Tom Hicks is ashamed. If Avery is somehow cut, he’s going to find it very difficult to find a new gig; teams should be wary of a marginal player who destroys team chemistry, is obsessed with self-promotion, and has a knack for going “full-retard” with no warning signs.
The irritating aspect of this cock-knocker’s career is that he is clearly striving for a fame that his talent doesn’t allow for. Sean Avery has been vastly overrated as a hockey player. Left to his abilities, he would be another faceless NHL pro: loved by local hockey fans, but ignored by the vast majority of the population. Not satisfied with this, he’s trying to create a Sean Avery image or character, which apparently is meant to signify stupidity, arrogance, and selfishness. Avery fails to realize he is nobody without hockey; the only thing that makes him remotely interesting is his job. The rest is bullshit. Where’s Dennis Rodman now? Who knows? As soon as got bounced out of the NBA, he stopped being interesting in most every way. We don’t need a magic 8-ball to figure out where the road leads for Avery.
In summary, it wouldn’t bother me if this fucking jag-off never played in the NHL again. He contributes nothing, destroys his team and embarrasses the NHL, and is generally an attention-seeking loser. In short, he is the reality TV show of the NHL; base, obvious, and ultimately totally forgettable.
JB
So, what now. His teammates clearly hate this fucking douchebag, perhaps even more than his ex-girlfriends. Coach Dave Tippett wants nothing to do with him. GM Brett Hull is angry and looks like a jackass for signing him in the first place( incidentally, this 4 year, $16 million contract is one of the worst in league history. Even if Avery didn’t melt down, he’s a third line player! What the fuck?). Owner Tom Hicks is ashamed. If Avery is somehow cut, he’s going to find it very difficult to find a new gig; teams should be wary of a marginal player who destroys team chemistry, is obsessed with self-promotion, and has a knack for going “full-retard” with no warning signs.
The irritating aspect of this cock-knocker’s career is that he is clearly striving for a fame that his talent doesn’t allow for. Sean Avery has been vastly overrated as a hockey player. Left to his abilities, he would be another faceless NHL pro: loved by local hockey fans, but ignored by the vast majority of the population. Not satisfied with this, he’s trying to create a Sean Avery image or character, which apparently is meant to signify stupidity, arrogance, and selfishness. Avery fails to realize he is nobody without hockey; the only thing that makes him remotely interesting is his job. The rest is bullshit. Where’s Dennis Rodman now? Who knows? As soon as got bounced out of the NBA, he stopped being interesting in most every way. We don’t need a magic 8-ball to figure out where the road leads for Avery.
In summary, it wouldn’t bother me if this fucking jag-off never played in the NHL again. He contributes nothing, destroys his team and embarrasses the NHL, and is generally an attention-seeking loser. In short, he is the reality TV show of the NHL; base, obvious, and ultimately totally forgettable.
JB
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
What Do You Mean No Cup? It’s Been Almost a Week!
Well, the sickening and clumsy Maple Leaf courtship of Brian Burke is over. The worst kept secret in hockey (okay, second worst. The fact that Gary Bettman is a fucking joke is the worst kept secret.) has finally come out of the closet, and now Leaf fans and Toronto media are hailing Burke’s signing as the second coming of Christ, which is kind of funny considering they’ve just experienced the second coming of Cliff Fletcher.
And now what? It’s true to say Brian Burke has largely been successful for the majority of his career. I’ll skip over his time in Hartford (I still love you Whalers!) to the Canucks, whom he resurrected from the depths of shite, and on to the Ducks, where he inherited a nice young roster, added 2 key lynchpins (Pronger and Niedermayer) and won a Cup. That he has somewhat mangled the Ducks roster and salary cap since then is probably irrelevant to Leafs fans, who finally have a respectable hockey guy running the show after enduring the JFJ reign of suck.
The Burke era will not be boring. For starters, he’s a belligerent bully fuck who is self-righteous and indignant when challenged by others (like Kevin Lowe, or even Al Strachan for Christ’s sake). On top of that, he has lots of caps space to play with, the green light to tear the franchise apart in order to rebuild it, and a 6 year contract that allows him the freedom and confidence to do anything he wants, including sodomizing Tomas Kaberle should he see fit. I suspect Burke will restock the farm, and try to stockpile some talent at both the minor league and NHL level. The Leafs are scrappy and hard-working, but clearly lack the talent to realistically compete for a playoff spot over the long NHL season. While Fletcher cleared out some of the deadwood, I think the yard sale will continue.
Will the Leafs win a Cup? If history is any indication, probably not. The Stanley Cup is the hardest championship to win in professional sports, and I suspect there won’t be any Chris Pronger’s falling into Burke’s lap this time (did I mention that was a BRUTAL trade for the Oilers?). At they very least, the Leafs will have an actual plan for the first time in years, and will likely be consistently competitive after some early growing pains. If you’re a Leafs fan, that’s probably a good start; hell, I’m an Oilers fan, and I’d settle for competitive. My team licks pouch.
And now what? It’s true to say Brian Burke has largely been successful for the majority of his career. I’ll skip over his time in Hartford (I still love you Whalers!) to the Canucks, whom he resurrected from the depths of shite, and on to the Ducks, where he inherited a nice young roster, added 2 key lynchpins (Pronger and Niedermayer) and won a Cup. That he has somewhat mangled the Ducks roster and salary cap since then is probably irrelevant to Leafs fans, who finally have a respectable hockey guy running the show after enduring the JFJ reign of suck.
The Burke era will not be boring. For starters, he’s a belligerent bully fuck who is self-righteous and indignant when challenged by others (like Kevin Lowe, or even Al Strachan for Christ’s sake). On top of that, he has lots of caps space to play with, the green light to tear the franchise apart in order to rebuild it, and a 6 year contract that allows him the freedom and confidence to do anything he wants, including sodomizing Tomas Kaberle should he see fit. I suspect Burke will restock the farm, and try to stockpile some talent at both the minor league and NHL level. The Leafs are scrappy and hard-working, but clearly lack the talent to realistically compete for a playoff spot over the long NHL season. While Fletcher cleared out some of the deadwood, I think the yard sale will continue.
Will the Leafs win a Cup? If history is any indication, probably not. The Stanley Cup is the hardest championship to win in professional sports, and I suspect there won’t be any Chris Pronger’s falling into Burke’s lap this time (did I mention that was a BRUTAL trade for the Oilers?). At they very least, the Leafs will have an actual plan for the first time in years, and will likely be consistently competitive after some early growing pains. If you’re a Leafs fan, that’s probably a good start; hell, I’m an Oilers fan, and I’d settle for competitive. My team licks pouch.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Fire MacT?
Roughly a quarter of the way through the season and Edmonton Oiler fans, including myself, are quickly evolving from being optimistic to finding that fuzzy and dangerous zone personified by Michael Douglas in Falling Down. In summary, the team sucks, and nothing illustrated that more than a pathetic effort Wednesday night against a Kings team that was curb-stomped by the Flames the previous evening. That the Kings played the night before is just one part of the equation; the Oil had five days of rest heading into the game, so the loss was a particularly stinging junk-punch to fans and perhaps an indicator that the players are starting to tune out Craig MacTavish.
The long and largely mediocre run of MacT as the head coach in Edmonton is usually justified by MacT supporters by the miracle Cup run of 2006; what people seem to forget is that the club lost, and the next year was an absolute fucking atrocity. Still, I have some sympathy for MacT, as Kevin Lowe wasn’t exactly flawless with his roster management this off-season. Questionable decisions include:
a) The three-headed goalie monster. This is a clusterfuck, and has frustrated the goalies, fans, and most likely, every player in the locker room. I’m sure even Joey Moss has had enough.
b) Letting Curtis Glencross walk while getting cockteased by Hossa and Jagr in the summer free agent frenzy. The 3rd and 4th lines have clearly lacked any jam or sense of urgency. Perhaps they didn’t like the whopping $1.2 million a year he was asking for, but he clearly fit last year. Considering MA Pouliot is making $1 million this season to fill a locker and Zach “Totally Fucking Useless” Stortini received a 2 year deal, I think signing Glencross was an easy decision. I guess when you’re not a 1st round draft pick bust or a coach’s pet project, your contributions can be overlooked.
c) The lack of balance in the forward lines. Trading for Erik Cole was a good idea. Playing him out of position and then trying to make a consistent 25 goal scorer a 3rd line checker is not. I’m guessing he won’t be clamoring to resign when his free agent number comes up on July 1st. The Kid Line was magic in a bottle last year, but it is readily apparent teams are better prepared for them this year. Perhaps juggling the lines and playing a rugged veteran on the exceedingly soft 2nd line might help.
Now, this doesn’t excuse MacT’s perpetual line blender, the undeserved promotion of Kelly Buchberger from his unsuccessful AHL coaching gig, his insistence on playing guys out of position, or the ridiculous double standards he holds for “safe players” who contribute nothing but don’t make mistakes. I just think it shows that there are many cooks in this smelly, rotting kitchen, and that another playoff miss requires the new owner to take a hard look at the organizational structure of the franchise.
Clearly, shit is just not right with this club.
The long and largely mediocre run of MacT as the head coach in Edmonton is usually justified by MacT supporters by the miracle Cup run of 2006; what people seem to forget is that the club lost, and the next year was an absolute fucking atrocity. Still, I have some sympathy for MacT, as Kevin Lowe wasn’t exactly flawless with his roster management this off-season. Questionable decisions include:
a) The three-headed goalie monster. This is a clusterfuck, and has frustrated the goalies, fans, and most likely, every player in the locker room. I’m sure even Joey Moss has had enough.
b) Letting Curtis Glencross walk while getting cockteased by Hossa and Jagr in the summer free agent frenzy. The 3rd and 4th lines have clearly lacked any jam or sense of urgency. Perhaps they didn’t like the whopping $1.2 million a year he was asking for, but he clearly fit last year. Considering MA Pouliot is making $1 million this season to fill a locker and Zach “Totally Fucking Useless” Stortini received a 2 year deal, I think signing Glencross was an easy decision. I guess when you’re not a 1st round draft pick bust or a coach’s pet project, your contributions can be overlooked.
c) The lack of balance in the forward lines. Trading for Erik Cole was a good idea. Playing him out of position and then trying to make a consistent 25 goal scorer a 3rd line checker is not. I’m guessing he won’t be clamoring to resign when his free agent number comes up on July 1st. The Kid Line was magic in a bottle last year, but it is readily apparent teams are better prepared for them this year. Perhaps juggling the lines and playing a rugged veteran on the exceedingly soft 2nd line might help.
Now, this doesn’t excuse MacT’s perpetual line blender, the undeserved promotion of Kelly Buchberger from his unsuccessful AHL coaching gig, his insistence on playing guys out of position, or the ridiculous double standards he holds for “safe players” who contribute nothing but don’t make mistakes. I just think it shows that there are many cooks in this smelly, rotting kitchen, and that another playoff miss requires the new owner to take a hard look at the organizational structure of the franchise.
Clearly, shit is just not right with this club.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Good Night to the Mullet
A not-so-graceful stint for notorious mullet wearer Barry Melrose cam to a merciful conclusion last week, as Melrose was shit-canned by fantasy hockey league players/Tampa Bay Lightning owners Len Barrie and Oren Koules. Clearly, this franchise is a total state of disarray, and now hands over the coaching reigns to Rick “The Gambler” Tocchet. Let’s take a look in the rear view mirror at the many strange moves by this club in the last 6 months:
a) Emasculating Jay Feaster – Say what you will about some of Feaster’s moves, but he does have a Cup on his resume and grabbed a solid return in the Brad Richards deal. This firing was probably a little unfair to say the least.
b) Hiring Barry Melrose- 15 years is a long time, and Melrose was clearly outmatch as evidenced by his short stint.
c) Resigning Dan Boyle to a long-term deal and then trading him – Boyle is prospering in San Jose, and it is pretty clear the Lightning currently lack the transition game necessary to thrive in today’s game. Oh wait, they have Steve Eminger, so it’s going to be okay now.
d) Signing 47 free agent forwards – Clearly, all those forwards have yet to glue for the Lightning and I don’t think some of them ever will (yes, I’m looking at you Radim Vrbata).
e) Trading Matt Carle – To say you’re trading the prime piece of the Dan Boyle trade to clear salary cap space is either a) disingenuous or b) reflective of how fucking confused team management is. Take your pick.
There you have it. This team looks like a club somebody puts together in a fantasy pool; lots of recognizable names, but no real fit. We’ll see if they’ve got enough character in their room to pull it together. I have a hard time believing this group is last in the league in scoring, but it is what it is. This could be a long season in Tampa.
I predict:
a) About 7 more trades
b) The resurface of Lecavalier to Montreal rumors
c) Team bankruptcy.
Oh well, at least the Bucs and the Rays are good.
a) Emasculating Jay Feaster – Say what you will about some of Feaster’s moves, but he does have a Cup on his resume and grabbed a solid return in the Brad Richards deal. This firing was probably a little unfair to say the least.
b) Hiring Barry Melrose- 15 years is a long time, and Melrose was clearly outmatch as evidenced by his short stint.
c) Resigning Dan Boyle to a long-term deal and then trading him – Boyle is prospering in San Jose, and it is pretty clear the Lightning currently lack the transition game necessary to thrive in today’s game. Oh wait, they have Steve Eminger, so it’s going to be okay now.
d) Signing 47 free agent forwards – Clearly, all those forwards have yet to glue for the Lightning and I don’t think some of them ever will (yes, I’m looking at you Radim Vrbata).
e) Trading Matt Carle – To say you’re trading the prime piece of the Dan Boyle trade to clear salary cap space is either a) disingenuous or b) reflective of how fucking confused team management is. Take your pick.
There you have it. This team looks like a club somebody puts together in a fantasy pool; lots of recognizable names, but no real fit. We’ll see if they’ve got enough character in their room to pull it together. I have a hard time believing this group is last in the league in scoring, but it is what it is. This could be a long season in Tampa.
I predict:
a) About 7 more trades
b) The resurface of Lecavalier to Montreal rumors
c) Team bankruptcy.
Oh well, at least the Bucs and the Rays are good.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
HockeySmack Is Not Dead... and snapshots
With life catching up with us here at HockeySmack, we’ve clearly been a wee bit negligent in keeping up our work here. Well, we’re going to try to keep on trucking with more frequent takes on shit going down in the world of hockey. So, here are some rapid takes on the first month of the season:
TB Lightning: Not off to a flying start. Their combination of personnel moves and coaching hire (The Mullet) leaves you wondering if important decisions are made in consultation with a couple of 8-balls of cocaine, a few bottles of Scotch and some high-priced escorts. The Matt Carle trade is just the latest “What the fuck?!?” moment since the Lightning “braintrust” started calling the shots. The results are just a wee bit confusing to say the least. Come on now Lightning ownership: focus!
Minnesota Wild: Good start. I would still rather have a three-way with any two of the Golden Girls than watch a Wild game though.
Denis Savard – Shitcanned after 4 games. Huh? Well, you’ll always have the spinarama Denis!
Edmonton Oilers – More inconsistent than Tori Spelling’s physical appearance in Beverly Hills 90210, the Oil have been all over the road in just about every facet of their game. The Kid Line is suffering a collective sophomore slump, and the goaltending has been more bad than good. I see a Kari Lehtonen trade in my crystal ball…
Detroit Red Wings– Way good. Look out Western Conference.
Florida Panthers – Still brutal. Still likely to trade Bouwmeester. Nice to see progress. Can we not have a team in Miami please?
Todd Bertuzzi – On pace to be -40. Great pick up. The Flames appear to be more up and down than a pregnant woman’s mood swings. Looks like Alberta hockey fans are in for a roller coaster ride this season.
CBC – Not feeling the new song, and really hating Mike Milbury. How the fuck can arguably the worst GM in NHL history have any credibility as an analyst? Compound that with the stammering and clueless PJ Stock, and even the animatronic robot pretending to be the long dead Don Cherry seems informed in comparison.
Note: Seeing Don Cherry in high def is really weird. He wears more make-up than Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls, and looks like he could pass as the Ghost of Christmas Future. Please retire Grapes!
Eklund: An E4 on Eklund remaining totally full of shit.
TB Lightning: Not off to a flying start. Their combination of personnel moves and coaching hire (The Mullet) leaves you wondering if important decisions are made in consultation with a couple of 8-balls of cocaine, a few bottles of Scotch and some high-priced escorts. The Matt Carle trade is just the latest “What the fuck?!?” moment since the Lightning “braintrust” started calling the shots. The results are just a wee bit confusing to say the least. Come on now Lightning ownership: focus!
Minnesota Wild: Good start. I would still rather have a three-way with any two of the Golden Girls than watch a Wild game though.
Denis Savard – Shitcanned after 4 games. Huh? Well, you’ll always have the spinarama Denis!
Edmonton Oilers – More inconsistent than Tori Spelling’s physical appearance in Beverly Hills 90210, the Oil have been all over the road in just about every facet of their game. The Kid Line is suffering a collective sophomore slump, and the goaltending has been more bad than good. I see a Kari Lehtonen trade in my crystal ball…
Detroit Red Wings– Way good. Look out Western Conference.
Florida Panthers – Still brutal. Still likely to trade Bouwmeester. Nice to see progress. Can we not have a team in Miami please?
Todd Bertuzzi – On pace to be -40. Great pick up. The Flames appear to be more up and down than a pregnant woman’s mood swings. Looks like Alberta hockey fans are in for a roller coaster ride this season.
CBC – Not feeling the new song, and really hating Mike Milbury. How the fuck can arguably the worst GM in NHL history have any credibility as an analyst? Compound that with the stammering and clueless PJ Stock, and even the animatronic robot pretending to be the long dead Don Cherry seems informed in comparison.
Note: Seeing Don Cherry in high def is really weird. He wears more make-up than Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls, and looks like he could pass as the Ghost of Christmas Future. Please retire Grapes!
Eklund: An E4 on Eklund remaining totally full of shit.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Some musings right before the opening face-off
A) Roster spots aren’t guaranteed for anyone. Look at the dudes who got chucked on waivers lately: a bunch of semi-reliable veterans who, in the “old NHL” (by the way, when will broadcasters stop using this retarded phrase? I stop calling underwear “new” after I wear them once. The post-lockout NHL has now had 3 Stanley Cup champions. Give up the “new” already.”) would still have NHL jobs. Now they’re super expensive bus jockeys in the AHL, shipped to the mobster-laden KHL, or ride the pine hard for an NHL team that doesn’t want them. I guess being a multi-millionaire with a wicked hot hockey wife isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
B) Tampa looked like shit. The Lightning were outshot 2-1 in their opening Euro-games with the NY Rangers, and seemed unable to move the puck from their backend or sustain any pressure in the Ranger zone. Luckily, Mike Smith and Ollie the Goalie were on fire, but they can’t expect their goalies to be late-90s Dominik Hasek all season. Either the Rangers are way better than I thought, or Captain Mullet had better get his shit together and organize his club. Picking up Louis Kraijeck is not the answer, and pretty well duplicates the other young d-men on the roster.
C) Some teams are in big trouble on and off the ice. Echoing an earlier rant I wrote, it’s nice to see the NHL kicked off in Europe while hearing that:
a. The Atlanta Thrashers only had 40% season ticket renewal and look poised to be fucking terrible this year.
b. The continuing ownership clusterfuck in Nashville is alive and well.
c. The tanking economy threatens league revenues.
Well done Monsieur Bettman. Continue to fiddle while Rome burns. Dipshit.
Taking a look at all that, I guess it’s safe to say I am stoked for the season to start in full. Bring on the sweet goals, big hits, and brutal fights!
JB
B) Tampa looked like shit. The Lightning were outshot 2-1 in their opening Euro-games with the NY Rangers, and seemed unable to move the puck from their backend or sustain any pressure in the Ranger zone. Luckily, Mike Smith and Ollie the Goalie were on fire, but they can’t expect their goalies to be late-90s Dominik Hasek all season. Either the Rangers are way better than I thought, or Captain Mullet had better get his shit together and organize his club. Picking up Louis Kraijeck is not the answer, and pretty well duplicates the other young d-men on the roster.
C) Some teams are in big trouble on and off the ice. Echoing an earlier rant I wrote, it’s nice to see the NHL kicked off in Europe while hearing that:
a. The Atlanta Thrashers only had 40% season ticket renewal and look poised to be fucking terrible this year.
b. The continuing ownership clusterfuck in Nashville is alive and well.
c. The tanking economy threatens league revenues.
Well done Monsieur Bettman. Continue to fiddle while Rome burns. Dipshit.
Taking a look at all that, I guess it’s safe to say I am stoked for the season to start in full. Bring on the sweet goals, big hits, and brutal fights!
JB
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
J.P. Ricciardi - The 2008 Genital Herpes Award Winner in Major League Baseball
Yes, it’s true: it seems that Toronto Blue Jays GM J.P. Ricciardi will be returning for the 2009 season, which would be the 8th year of his tenure. Now I know this blog is titled “Hockeysmack” but I can’t stomach this bullshit anymore. Every year I get stoked for Blue Jay baseball, and every year the team is a disappointment, devastated by dismal free agent performance, an inability to both pitch and hit in the same season, and abysmal managing by non-descript J.P.bots (Carlos Tosca? John Gibbons? Weren’t they the same dude?) hired to be an extension of the front office. So, after 7 years of failure, what is Ricciardi’s reward? Same old, same old. Fan-fucking-tastic.
Let’s take a look at some of the roster “improvements” made of late by the smug, arrogant dark Blue Jay Sith:
a) Frank Thomas – 2 years, $20 million, with a player option for a 3rd year at $10 mil if the Big Hurt reached a specific number of at-bats. J.P., fearful of that player option, released Thomas, who basically earned $20 mil for a year. Nice! Well J.P., you did sign a nearly 40-year-old DH with an extensive injury history who can’t play in the field. What the fuck did you expect? That he had upside?
b) Shannon Stewart for Reed Johnson. Johnson, beloved by fans and teammates alike, was released in spring training to make room for Shannon Stewart. Yikes. Stewart will surely be taking BP soon with Theo Fleury for the Calgary Vipers; Johnson seems to be recovering well, platooning with Jim Edmonds for the playoff bound Cubs. So, he received all his cash from the Jays to not play, more cash from the Cubs, got to play in Chicago, and is now going to the playoffs? Someone whose initials kind of rhyme with “VD” is getting a fruitcake for Christmas this year…
c) Bad contracts – Corey Koskie. Eric Hinske. B.J. Ryan (I like him, but $45 million for a closer not named Rivera? No thanks). Vernon Wells (not worth his latest contract extension). David Eckstein.
d) Bad drafting – Some prospects are finally hitting the big club (Snider, Purcey, Lind, Hill, Marcum) but busts like Russ Adams and Ricky Romero have hurt the organization in a major way; when you can’t spend with the Yankees and the Red Sox, you have to develop players. Not under J.P., who was actually the director of scouting with the Oakland Athletics before being hired to sabotage the Blue Jays.
Well, what can I say? A vote for J.P is a vote for perpetual cockteasing. 80-85 wins and a litany of excuses is all I’ve come to expect from this douche bag. What next? $60 million for the injury-prone free agent shortstop Rafael Furcal? $30 million for another aging DH (Jason Giambi)? Oh well. At least it’s not my money.
JB
Let’s take a look at some of the roster “improvements” made of late by the smug, arrogant dark Blue Jay Sith:
a) Frank Thomas – 2 years, $20 million, with a player option for a 3rd year at $10 mil if the Big Hurt reached a specific number of at-bats. J.P., fearful of that player option, released Thomas, who basically earned $20 mil for a year. Nice! Well J.P., you did sign a nearly 40-year-old DH with an extensive injury history who can’t play in the field. What the fuck did you expect? That he had upside?
b) Shannon Stewart for Reed Johnson. Johnson, beloved by fans and teammates alike, was released in spring training to make room for Shannon Stewart. Yikes. Stewart will surely be taking BP soon with Theo Fleury for the Calgary Vipers; Johnson seems to be recovering well, platooning with Jim Edmonds for the playoff bound Cubs. So, he received all his cash from the Jays to not play, more cash from the Cubs, got to play in Chicago, and is now going to the playoffs? Someone whose initials kind of rhyme with “VD” is getting a fruitcake for Christmas this year…
c) Bad contracts – Corey Koskie. Eric Hinske. B.J. Ryan (I like him, but $45 million for a closer not named Rivera? No thanks). Vernon Wells (not worth his latest contract extension). David Eckstein.
d) Bad drafting – Some prospects are finally hitting the big club (Snider, Purcey, Lind, Hill, Marcum) but busts like Russ Adams and Ricky Romero have hurt the organization in a major way; when you can’t spend with the Yankees and the Red Sox, you have to develop players. Not under J.P., who was actually the director of scouting with the Oakland Athletics before being hired to sabotage the Blue Jays.
Well, what can I say? A vote for J.P is a vote for perpetual cockteasing. 80-85 wins and a litany of excuses is all I’ve come to expect from this douche bag. What next? $60 million for the injury-prone free agent shortstop Rafael Furcal? $30 million for another aging DH (Jason Giambi)? Oh well. At least it’s not my money.
JB
Sunday, September 28, 2008
5 Most Boring To Watch
Last week I took a gander at the 5 teams I would be most likely to make time to watch. Now it’s time for the Bizarro-exciting, or in other words, the teams I would rather fuck a hole in the ground than watch. The teams o’ suck are:
1) Minnesota Wild – With the NHL’s division-heavy schedule, I have had the misfortune of watching way too many Wild-Oilers games the last few years. Even with a talent like Marion Gaborik, watching the Wild rates at roughly a three on my finger list, meaning I would rather cut off three of my fingers than watch a Wild game. Merci Monsieur Lemaire.
2) New Jersey Devils – In the 1990s, the Stanley Cup championship of the New York Rangers, coupled with the 1st retirement of Micahel Jordan, led the NHL to a close rivalry in terms of popularity in the U.S. with the NBA. The NHL was fortunate enough to follow that exciting Rangers championship the next year with the crowning double achievement of a season-shortening lockout and a New Jersey Devils Stanley Cup win. This win started a long (and existing) tradition of talent short teams using a neutral-zone trap system to compete, which turned the fastest team sport in the world into a product that turned fans away in droves. On second thought, maybe the lockout was preferable. Anyways, the Devils still suck salty balls to watch, so they make the list.
3) Vancouver Canucks – Poor Roberto Luongo. Poor Mike Gillis, who appears terribly overmatched as a GM. Poor Canucks fans, recharged in the flawed but entertaining Burke/Crawford era, only to be stuck with the current fiasco. A Canucks game is good for three things: great goaltending, no scoring, and a bunch of pussies who are afraid to fight. Enjoy!
4) Boston Bruins – Led by Claude Julien, the Bruins play a trap system, like the Wild and Devils. While arguably more talented than the above two, I think I would find a Roseanne Barr/Tom Arnold sex tape more entertaining than a string of B’s games.
5) New York Islanders – This is more of a hunch, as they have a new coach and a very young roster. I just have a feeling that this team is going to getting their lunch served to them on a regular basis this season. The charm of a 6-2 score wears thin when it shows up in a quarter of the games.
JB
1) Minnesota Wild – With the NHL’s division-heavy schedule, I have had the misfortune of watching way too many Wild-Oilers games the last few years. Even with a talent like Marion Gaborik, watching the Wild rates at roughly a three on my finger list, meaning I would rather cut off three of my fingers than watch a Wild game. Merci Monsieur Lemaire.
2) New Jersey Devils – In the 1990s, the Stanley Cup championship of the New York Rangers, coupled with the 1st retirement of Micahel Jordan, led the NHL to a close rivalry in terms of popularity in the U.S. with the NBA. The NHL was fortunate enough to follow that exciting Rangers championship the next year with the crowning double achievement of a season-shortening lockout and a New Jersey Devils Stanley Cup win. This win started a long (and existing) tradition of talent short teams using a neutral-zone trap system to compete, which turned the fastest team sport in the world into a product that turned fans away in droves. On second thought, maybe the lockout was preferable. Anyways, the Devils still suck salty balls to watch, so they make the list.
3) Vancouver Canucks – Poor Roberto Luongo. Poor Mike Gillis, who appears terribly overmatched as a GM. Poor Canucks fans, recharged in the flawed but entertaining Burke/Crawford era, only to be stuck with the current fiasco. A Canucks game is good for three things: great goaltending, no scoring, and a bunch of pussies who are afraid to fight. Enjoy!
4) Boston Bruins – Led by Claude Julien, the Bruins play a trap system, like the Wild and Devils. While arguably more talented than the above two, I think I would find a Roseanne Barr/Tom Arnold sex tape more entertaining than a string of B’s games.
5) New York Islanders – This is more of a hunch, as they have a new coach and a very young roster. I just have a feeling that this team is going to getting their lunch served to them on a regular basis this season. The charm of a 6-2 score wears thin when it shows up in a quarter of the games.
JB
Sunday, September 21, 2008
5 Most Exciting To Watch
In the next few days, the Hac and I are going to take a run at nailing down the teams we figure will be both the most exciting and the most boring to watch. After all, sports are about being entertained, and there are definitely some clubs I’ll be programming the DVR to record. Here are the teams I figure will be the cat’s ass in terms of sheer entertainment value:
1) Tampa Bay Lightning – This team is going to score a shitload of goals. They will also give up a shitload of goals. Sounds good to me. There are few things as awesome as watching a 7-6 game featuring two clubs I have no emotional attachment to. Every Lightning game will have its share of highlights of both the astonishing and head-slapping variety. That being said, I still think the Lightning ownership group is fucking crazy.
2) Pittsburgh Penguins – Sidney Crosby. Evgeni Malkin. Enough said.
3) Washington Capitals – Alexander Ovechkin is arguably the most entertaining player in hockey for his goal-scoring ability, enthusiasm, and tendency to regularly crush opposing d-men with his forechecking. The Caps are another team that are going to score a ton, and with Jose “I Show Up For Contract Years” Theodore in net, chances are high Bruce Boudreau will continue to evolve into a live-action facsimile of Charlie Brown. Good times.
4) Chicago Blackhawks – The Blackhawks have one of the best young core groups of any NHL franchise. Their roster is loaded with exciting forwards and talented young d-men. They also have 2 vastly overpaid goalies, meaning that their next logical move is to bring in Dan Cloutier as a 3rd goalie. Plus, you never know when Martin Havlat will a) try to kick someone or b) suffer a broken something or other. Either way, he’s likely to do something this season to solidify his rep as the biggest pussy in the league.
5) Edmonton Oilers – Sure, I’m a homer, but the Oil can fly up and down the ice and really move the puck from the backend. They also might be the first team to go an entire game without winning a face-off, which will be both astounding and stupefying. Factor in their tendency to go to the shootout, and almost every Oiler game (excluding games against the Minnesota Wild) is must-see TV.
JB
1) Tampa Bay Lightning – This team is going to score a shitload of goals. They will also give up a shitload of goals. Sounds good to me. There are few things as awesome as watching a 7-6 game featuring two clubs I have no emotional attachment to. Every Lightning game will have its share of highlights of both the astonishing and head-slapping variety. That being said, I still think the Lightning ownership group is fucking crazy.
2) Pittsburgh Penguins – Sidney Crosby. Evgeni Malkin. Enough said.
3) Washington Capitals – Alexander Ovechkin is arguably the most entertaining player in hockey for his goal-scoring ability, enthusiasm, and tendency to regularly crush opposing d-men with his forechecking. The Caps are another team that are going to score a ton, and with Jose “I Show Up For Contract Years” Theodore in net, chances are high Bruce Boudreau will continue to evolve into a live-action facsimile of Charlie Brown. Good times.
4) Chicago Blackhawks – The Blackhawks have one of the best young core groups of any NHL franchise. Their roster is loaded with exciting forwards and talented young d-men. They also have 2 vastly overpaid goalies, meaning that their next logical move is to bring in Dan Cloutier as a 3rd goalie. Plus, you never know when Martin Havlat will a) try to kick someone or b) suffer a broken something or other. Either way, he’s likely to do something this season to solidify his rep as the biggest pussy in the league.
5) Edmonton Oilers – Sure, I’m a homer, but the Oil can fly up and down the ice and really move the puck from the backend. They also might be the first team to go an entire game without winning a face-off, which will be both astounding and stupefying. Factor in their tendency to go to the shootout, and almost every Oiler game (excluding games against the Minnesota Wild) is must-see TV.
JB
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Waiver mishap for Ducks
With the news this afternoon that Schneider was being put on waivers a little smile crossed my face. Why you ask…Burkie was getting what he deserved.
There has been a massive shift in thinking in the NHL over the last two seasons as we go from players being paid on past performance to players being paid for future potential. Schneider, being put on waivers is just the result of what happens when GM’s make bone head decisions. I should make it clear the signing of Schneider was not bone headed, but letting S. Niedermayer, and Selanne string him along last year was.
Other GM’s are now going to make him pay. In this case they are making Burke pay, because I think we would all agree that Schneider has trade value. If of course you are not required to trade him just to get under the cap. So, two things happen to the Ducks, one they get nothing back, and they only shed half the salary (assuming he is claimed on re-entry waivers). The reason I started to smile was because, he’ll probably go to LA who will hold him until the deadline, and then flip him for a 1st round pick. I wonder if Burke will get a Christmas card from Dean Lombardi.
The Ducks had better make the best of this year, because next year is going to be tough. They’ll have only one D-man (Tall-boy) under contract at season end. That is a lot of UFA d-men to going fishing for in the offseason and, when you consider they will only have 7 guys under contract at the end of the season. I smell rebuild! More on the changing of the NHL guard to come in future blogs.
The Hac
With the news this afternoon that Schneider was being put on waivers a little smile crossed my face. Why you ask…Burkie was getting what he deserved.
There has been a massive shift in thinking in the NHL over the last two seasons as we go from players being paid on past performance to players being paid for future potential. Schneider, being put on waivers is just the result of what happens when GM’s make bone head decisions. I should make it clear the signing of Schneider was not bone headed, but letting S. Niedermayer, and Selanne string him along last year was.
Other GM’s are now going to make him pay. In this case they are making Burke pay, because I think we would all agree that Schneider has trade value. If of course you are not required to trade him just to get under the cap. So, two things happen to the Ducks, one they get nothing back, and they only shed half the salary (assuming he is claimed on re-entry waivers). The reason I started to smile was because, he’ll probably go to LA who will hold him until the deadline, and then flip him for a 1st round pick. I wonder if Burke will get a Christmas card from Dean Lombardi.
The Ducks had better make the best of this year, because next year is going to be tough. They’ll have only one D-man (Tall-boy) under contract at season end. That is a lot of UFA d-men to going fishing for in the offseason and, when you consider they will only have 7 guys under contract at the end of the season. I smell rebuild! More on the changing of the NHL guard to come in future blogs.
The Hac
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Strange Days...
The NHL offseason is a strange time. Desperation clouds the judgement of panic-stricken GMs as they make questionable trades, overspend on washed-up free agents, and contemplate the appeal of Todd Bertuzzi. As NHL training camps approach, we’ll soon see the fruits of NHL franchises’ offseason labour, but for now, I’m going to open a bottle of wine, think about the GMs that had the roughest ride, and reminisce about the strange summer that was…
Cliff Fletcher – Well, that was awkward, and not just the creepy tan that makes Cliff Fletcher look like the love-child of Bob Barker and Mike Shanahan. I mean the whole Bryan McCabe thing. Weird. Factor in the Darcy Tucker buyout, the overpayments for Nik Hagman and Jeff Finger (??), and Fletcher’s recent attempt at lowering expectations, and it looks like a long year for the Buds. I wonder if anyone at MLSE will notice. Perhaps Fletcher watches TV and sees a kinship with his contemporary…
Glen Sather – Um, usually when you spend nearly $40 million on a d-man, he’s way better than Wade Redden, who has recently seen his stock drop like a teenage boy’s voice when he starts talking to a pretty girl. The Rangers now have a really soft and slow backend, and a weird mix of forwards that may or may not gel (heh, I just used “soft and slow backend” and “gel” in the same sentence). Slats is working on Plan 17Q in his Ranger tenure, so no worries, I’m sure he’s on top of things. In fact, Slats is about to take the hand-off from Doug McLean in receiving the “Genital Herpes GM” trophy. Hey, speaking of Doug McLean, he was replaced by…
Scott Howson – After a year in which Howson preached patience and player development, the Columbus GM spent a shitload of cash to try to push the Blue Jackets into the playoffs. The problem is that the cash was spent on overvalued free agents (Huselius, Commodore) and suspect trade targets (Backman, Torres). Such is life trying to attract players to a franchise with no hockey heritage in a city where no one wants to play. Hey, that reminds me, didn’t he work with…
Kevin Lowe – K-Lowe finally responded to Brian Burke’s repeated bitchslaps by calling him out for the overrated fucktard he is. Oh, he also upgraded the talent on the Oilers roster and nearly crippled the future cap flexibility of the club with a ludicrous offer to Marian Hossa, a short-sighted move that will likely be revisited next year. Yay. Hiring Steve Tambellini was a nice coup, but the summer had a lot of ups and downs, including a new billionaire who appears ready to flex his financial muscle in bringing the mullet back. I think Lowe is kicking it at Margaritaville as we speak.
Yeah, the offseason is kind of weird. I’ll be stoked when games begin and Sheldon Souray misses 55 games with a sports hernia incurred while piling into his hot wife, leading to the “When is the end of Sheldon Souray’s contract?” countdown. Bring on the season!
JB
Cliff Fletcher – Well, that was awkward, and not just the creepy tan that makes Cliff Fletcher look like the love-child of Bob Barker and Mike Shanahan. I mean the whole Bryan McCabe thing. Weird. Factor in the Darcy Tucker buyout, the overpayments for Nik Hagman and Jeff Finger (??), and Fletcher’s recent attempt at lowering expectations, and it looks like a long year for the Buds. I wonder if anyone at MLSE will notice. Perhaps Fletcher watches TV and sees a kinship with his contemporary…
Glen Sather – Um, usually when you spend nearly $40 million on a d-man, he’s way better than Wade Redden, who has recently seen his stock drop like a teenage boy’s voice when he starts talking to a pretty girl. The Rangers now have a really soft and slow backend, and a weird mix of forwards that may or may not gel (heh, I just used “soft and slow backend” and “gel” in the same sentence). Slats is working on Plan 17Q in his Ranger tenure, so no worries, I’m sure he’s on top of things. In fact, Slats is about to take the hand-off from Doug McLean in receiving the “Genital Herpes GM” trophy. Hey, speaking of Doug McLean, he was replaced by…
Scott Howson – After a year in which Howson preached patience and player development, the Columbus GM spent a shitload of cash to try to push the Blue Jackets into the playoffs. The problem is that the cash was spent on overvalued free agents (Huselius, Commodore) and suspect trade targets (Backman, Torres). Such is life trying to attract players to a franchise with no hockey heritage in a city where no one wants to play. Hey, that reminds me, didn’t he work with…
Kevin Lowe – K-Lowe finally responded to Brian Burke’s repeated bitchslaps by calling him out for the overrated fucktard he is. Oh, he also upgraded the talent on the Oilers roster and nearly crippled the future cap flexibility of the club with a ludicrous offer to Marian Hossa, a short-sighted move that will likely be revisited next year. Yay. Hiring Steve Tambellini was a nice coup, but the summer had a lot of ups and downs, including a new billionaire who appears ready to flex his financial muscle in bringing the mullet back. I think Lowe is kicking it at Margaritaville as we speak.
Yeah, the offseason is kind of weird. I’ll be stoked when games begin and Sheldon Souray misses 55 games with a sports hernia incurred while piling into his hot wife, leading to the “When is the end of Sheldon Souray’s contract?” countdown. Bring on the season!
JB
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
The NHL Season: Will It Ever Begin?
Every June, I find myself torn between pursuing summer activities such as drinking beer outdoors until I look like I’m suffering from mad cow disease, or meekly popping out while trying to bash home runs at softball (“You may run like Mays, but you hit like shit!”) and watching the Stanley Cup Finals. I usually make a half-hearted effort to watch some of the Finals, but inevitably end up flipping channels to check out the Blue Jays or basketball playoffs. I can’t help it; it just feels weird watching hockey in June.
So here we sit in mid-September, and NHL training camps haven’t opened yet. Hmmm… wait a second. Could it be? I’ve got it! Maybe the reason the playoffs run into bikini wax season every year is because of the ridiculously late start to the season. I’m not advocating an early September start but honestly, would it kill the league to start the regular season sometime in September? I can see why they wouldn’t want to directly compete with the opening of the NFL season (fantasy NFL tip: never draft Matt Leinhart unless there is a “number of tanned blonde, breast-augmented frat chicks boned over the off-season” scoring category), but a two-week gap would surely be sufficient.
I love the NHL playoffs, but something about watching guys skating through a white, muddy ice-like substance in 30 degree heat turns me off. The league needs to do their players and fans a favour and start and finish the season earlier. I want to be more excited about the Stanley Cup finals than angry about J.P. Ricciardi’s arrogant clusterfucking of the Blue Jays roster (look for the first non-hockey column in Hockeysmack history when we skullfuck, er, examine the J.P. Ricciardi Blue Jay era later this month), but when both occur in June, my body tells me it’s shouldn’t be hockey season.
Come on Gary Bettman! Do this one for me. After that, we can work together on getting rid of those 1 pm Stanley Cup Final weekend start times.
JB
So here we sit in mid-September, and NHL training camps haven’t opened yet. Hmmm… wait a second. Could it be? I’ve got it! Maybe the reason the playoffs run into bikini wax season every year is because of the ridiculously late start to the season. I’m not advocating an early September start but honestly, would it kill the league to start the regular season sometime in September? I can see why they wouldn’t want to directly compete with the opening of the NFL season (fantasy NFL tip: never draft Matt Leinhart unless there is a “number of tanned blonde, breast-augmented frat chicks boned over the off-season” scoring category), but a two-week gap would surely be sufficient.
I love the NHL playoffs, but something about watching guys skating through a white, muddy ice-like substance in 30 degree heat turns me off. The league needs to do their players and fans a favour and start and finish the season earlier. I want to be more excited about the Stanley Cup finals than angry about J.P. Ricciardi’s arrogant clusterfucking of the Blue Jays roster (look for the first non-hockey column in Hockeysmack history when we skullfuck, er, examine the J.P. Ricciardi Blue Jay era later this month), but when both occur in June, my body tells me it’s shouldn’t be hockey season.
Come on Gary Bettman! Do this one for me. After that, we can work together on getting rid of those 1 pm Stanley Cup Final weekend start times.
JB
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Trending Downwards
Trending Downwards
With last week’s trade of Andrej Meszaros, a young and talented defenseman that the Ottawa Senators had invested time and energy into developing, you can only begin to wonder if this is the beginning of a downward trend for the Sens. While the return in the trade (Filip Kuba, Alexandre Picard, and a 1st round pick) is solid, it feels very much like this is a team that was close but couldn’t get over the hump and is now starting to slide the opposite direction.
The strength of Ottawa in recent years has been the trio of Spezza-Heatley-Alfredsson. Outside of this line, the Sens have had a difficult time finding consistent secondary scoring. This issue remains unresolved this year, with Mike Fisher and Antoine Vermette returning to Ottawa’s second line this year with a mystery right winger (Nick Foligno?) and a distinct lack of scoring from their checking lines. This has been a problem for years, but still remains. What the fuck? I know being a GM is difficult, but trying to improve every year while doing nothing to address a glaring weakness is ridiculous.
The blueline has seen a massive exodus of talent the last few years, with Zdeno Chara, Joe Corvo, Wade Redden, and now Meszaros hitting the exit door. Jason Smith is a rugged leader, but his body has more mileage than a retired porn star. Who is going to play the point on the power play? Or move the puck to the forwards? I’ve seen a full season of a team that couldn’t pass the puck from the blueline when I shuddered through the abomination that was the 2006-07 Edmonton Oilers. It is bag-of-smashed-assholes ugly, and as a result I had way too much time to help my wife plan our wedding; when you start caring about the color of table clothes, you know your team is fucking terrible.
With the rest of the division (with the exception of the absolutely shitacular Toronto Maple Leafs) getting better in the offseason, the Senators roster being arguably less talented than last year (I can’t even describe how shitty their goaltending is), and the team dealing with the unpredictable element of a new coach (Craig Hartsburg) that has a) had two prior disappointing NHL coaching stints; and b) preaches “accountability” (sports code for being a dick) Senators fans will be in for a frustrating, and I believe, playoff-free season.
JB
With last week’s trade of Andrej Meszaros, a young and talented defenseman that the Ottawa Senators had invested time and energy into developing, you can only begin to wonder if this is the beginning of a downward trend for the Sens. While the return in the trade (Filip Kuba, Alexandre Picard, and a 1st round pick) is solid, it feels very much like this is a team that was close but couldn’t get over the hump and is now starting to slide the opposite direction.
The strength of Ottawa in recent years has been the trio of Spezza-Heatley-Alfredsson. Outside of this line, the Sens have had a difficult time finding consistent secondary scoring. This issue remains unresolved this year, with Mike Fisher and Antoine Vermette returning to Ottawa’s second line this year with a mystery right winger (Nick Foligno?) and a distinct lack of scoring from their checking lines. This has been a problem for years, but still remains. What the fuck? I know being a GM is difficult, but trying to improve every year while doing nothing to address a glaring weakness is ridiculous.
The blueline has seen a massive exodus of talent the last few years, with Zdeno Chara, Joe Corvo, Wade Redden, and now Meszaros hitting the exit door. Jason Smith is a rugged leader, but his body has more mileage than a retired porn star. Who is going to play the point on the power play? Or move the puck to the forwards? I’ve seen a full season of a team that couldn’t pass the puck from the blueline when I shuddered through the abomination that was the 2006-07 Edmonton Oilers. It is bag-of-smashed-assholes ugly, and as a result I had way too much time to help my wife plan our wedding; when you start caring about the color of table clothes, you know your team is fucking terrible.
With the rest of the division (with the exception of the absolutely shitacular Toronto Maple Leafs) getting better in the offseason, the Senators roster being arguably less talented than last year (I can’t even describe how shitty their goaltending is), and the team dealing with the unpredictable element of a new coach (Craig Hartsburg) that has a) had two prior disappointing NHL coaching stints; and b) preaches “accountability” (sports code for being a dick) Senators fans will be in for a frustrating, and I believe, playoff-free season.
JB
Friday, September 5, 2008
McCabe Follow-up (worst kept trade in hockey)
So now that Brain McCabe (B-Mc) has been officially traded to Panthers with a fourth rounder for Van Ryn we can revisit the topic of this selfish clown one last time. You know you are an ass when people assess the winner of a trade based on who got rid of the best player. When people starting looking at things from that point of view you know the guy must have been a real piece of work. Not to mention it has also come out that B-Mc had a choice of the Panthers, or the Rangers. So not only does he not care about the fans in TO, but he clearly never, and I mean never wants to play on a winner.
Just so we have this clear….he didn’t waive his NTC last year to a contender only to orchestrate a trade to one of the worst teams in hockey. B-Mc is a loser, and Leafs fans are better off with this guy playing in FLA. They got a decent player back that has a little character, and they got rid of a guy that just doesn’t care.
Look at the return that Buffalo got at the deadline for Campbell (I’m not comparing the two), but you have to think that McCabe in that trade environment would have at least fetched a prospect with NHL experience (i.e. Bernier for McCabe). Campbell is a much better player, and thus is worthy of a top prospect, and a 1st rounder. Look at what the Leaf’s return, and they had to toss in a 4th rounder, which based on how they finish could be a top 100 pick.
When you start looking at how this whole thing with B-Mc played out, and the fact he snubbed the fans. It is only fitting that he goes to a place that the fans will care as little about him as he does about them.
The Hac
So now that Brain McCabe (B-Mc) has been officially traded to Panthers with a fourth rounder for Van Ryn we can revisit the topic of this selfish clown one last time. You know you are an ass when people assess the winner of a trade based on who got rid of the best player. When people starting looking at things from that point of view you know the guy must have been a real piece of work. Not to mention it has also come out that B-Mc had a choice of the Panthers, or the Rangers. So not only does he not care about the fans in TO, but he clearly never, and I mean never wants to play on a winner.
Just so we have this clear….he didn’t waive his NTC last year to a contender only to orchestrate a trade to one of the worst teams in hockey. B-Mc is a loser, and Leafs fans are better off with this guy playing in FLA. They got a decent player back that has a little character, and they got rid of a guy that just doesn’t care.
Look at the return that Buffalo got at the deadline for Campbell (I’m not comparing the two), but you have to think that McCabe in that trade environment would have at least fetched a prospect with NHL experience (i.e. Bernier for McCabe). Campbell is a much better player, and thus is worthy of a top prospect, and a 1st rounder. Look at what the Leaf’s return, and they had to toss in a 4th rounder, which based on how they finish could be a top 100 pick.
When you start looking at how this whole thing with B-Mc played out, and the fact he snubbed the fans. It is only fitting that he goes to a place that the fans will care as little about him as he does about them.
The Hac
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Todd Bertuzzi – Destroyer of Franchises Part II
3) 2007 Free Agency – Todd Bertuzzi is signed by the Anaheim Ducks to a 2-year, $8 million dollar contract
Well, this makes sense. The Ducks were:
a) a championship team with young star restricted free agents needing to be resigned with the team pressed tight against the cap
b) hampered by selfish and painfully slow retirement deliberations by the team’s two biggest stars and leaders (Niedermayer, Selanne), who both acted like a dinner date unable to decide on an entrée
The obvious solution to these problems: Todd Fucking Bertuzzi!!! Reason to sign him: he and Brian Burke shared the same tailor in Vancouver. Reasons not to sign him: 5 years of declining production, ongoing Moore-related lawsuits, and a lengthy injury history. The result: 14 goals and 40 points, a milk carton “performance” in the playoffs, and a humiliating 1st round upset at the hands of the Dallas Stars. Furthermore, this ridiculous contract led to the poaching of Dustin Penner by the Edmonton Oilers and Brian Burke’s year-long jilted girlfriend-esque bitching and moaning. The best part of this entire fiasco is Anaheim buying out the last year of Bertuzzi’s contract, meaning that Brian Burke and I are finally of the same mind about something: Todd Bertuzzi is such a detriment to a team’s on-ice performance, it is better to pay him not to play than to have him return. Good call Burkie, you egotistical, self-important douchebag.
4) Free agency – 2008 – Todd Bertuzzi is signed by the Calgary Flames to a 1-year, $1.95 million contract.
I’m no Dionne Warwick, but I can take a wild guess as to how this will turn out: poor performance, Bertuzzi and Flames coach Mike Keenan going all Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards on each other, Flames fans turning on Bertuzzi like Shaquille O’Neal on an ex-girlfriend, and an inglorious exit at the end of the season where Bertuzzi will deflect blame, much as he did at the press conference where the Flames introduced him (he deftly passed the buck by questioning how he was used as a Duck, rather than be honest about his own sub-par performance). Good times. Let it be said Darryl Sutter is not afraid to stir together a chilli pot that might have diarrhoea-like results.
After this, who knows? Bertuzzi is arguably the most unlikeable player in the NHL, given his history of vile actions, poor play, and inability to take responsibility for both. I suspect this might be the end of the road for Bertuzzi, and that he would have been better served going somewhere where hockey is a small blip in the local sports market. Calgary is a hockey city, and when Bertuzzi struggles, he will hear about it. Loudly. Frankly, I wonder if the Flames wouldn’t have been better off signing Glen Murray or Mark Parrish instead. The funny thing is, the Flames are still over the cap, meaning a loyal solider like Rhett Warrener will get sent to the minors to make room for Big Bert. Nothing like eating up a character guy’s roster spot to let fans and teammates know you’ve arrived. Let the Bertuzzi era in Calgary begin!
JB
Well, this makes sense. The Ducks were:
a) a championship team with young star restricted free agents needing to be resigned with the team pressed tight against the cap
b) hampered by selfish and painfully slow retirement deliberations by the team’s two biggest stars and leaders (Niedermayer, Selanne), who both acted like a dinner date unable to decide on an entrée
The obvious solution to these problems: Todd Fucking Bertuzzi!!! Reason to sign him: he and Brian Burke shared the same tailor in Vancouver. Reasons not to sign him: 5 years of declining production, ongoing Moore-related lawsuits, and a lengthy injury history. The result: 14 goals and 40 points, a milk carton “performance” in the playoffs, and a humiliating 1st round upset at the hands of the Dallas Stars. Furthermore, this ridiculous contract led to the poaching of Dustin Penner by the Edmonton Oilers and Brian Burke’s year-long jilted girlfriend-esque bitching and moaning. The best part of this entire fiasco is Anaheim buying out the last year of Bertuzzi’s contract, meaning that Brian Burke and I are finally of the same mind about something: Todd Bertuzzi is such a detriment to a team’s on-ice performance, it is better to pay him not to play than to have him return. Good call Burkie, you egotistical, self-important douchebag.
4) Free agency – 2008 – Todd Bertuzzi is signed by the Calgary Flames to a 1-year, $1.95 million contract.
I’m no Dionne Warwick, but I can take a wild guess as to how this will turn out: poor performance, Bertuzzi and Flames coach Mike Keenan going all Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards on each other, Flames fans turning on Bertuzzi like Shaquille O’Neal on an ex-girlfriend, and an inglorious exit at the end of the season where Bertuzzi will deflect blame, much as he did at the press conference where the Flames introduced him (he deftly passed the buck by questioning how he was used as a Duck, rather than be honest about his own sub-par performance). Good times. Let it be said Darryl Sutter is not afraid to stir together a chilli pot that might have diarrhoea-like results.
After this, who knows? Bertuzzi is arguably the most unlikeable player in the NHL, given his history of vile actions, poor play, and inability to take responsibility for both. I suspect this might be the end of the road for Bertuzzi, and that he would have been better served going somewhere where hockey is a small blip in the local sports market. Calgary is a hockey city, and when Bertuzzi struggles, he will hear about it. Loudly. Frankly, I wonder if the Flames wouldn’t have been better off signing Glen Murray or Mark Parrish instead. The funny thing is, the Flames are still over the cap, meaning a loyal solider like Rhett Warrener will get sent to the minors to make room for Big Bert. Nothing like eating up a character guy’s roster spot to let fans and teammates know you’ve arrived. Let the Bertuzzi era in Calgary begin!
JB
Monday, September 1, 2008
Todd Bertuzzi – Destroyer of Franchises - Part I
Okay, so maybe “destroyer” is a bit tough, but how about “harmer” or “poor addition that will lead to future difficulties.” This dude has been involved in so many ill-advised hockey decisions that I have a hard time believing GMs keep offering him cash and a roster spot. The funny thing is, this doesn’t even include his attempted crippling of Steve Moore (not that I have any problem with him bulldogging a guy to the ice; I’m just glad he was stopped before he put Moore in a sharpshooter), which not only killed Moore’s hockey career, but led to end of the mildly successful Burke/Crawford era in Vancouver. I won’t delve into this issue because frankly every time I hear about it I want to randomly Bertuzzi some poor unsuspecting slob in my office. So, let’s look at the list of Bertuzzi boggles:
1) 2006 - Todd Bertuzzi, Bryan Allen and Alex Auld from the Vancouver Canucks to the Florida Panthers for Roberto Luongo, Lukas Krajieck, and a 6th round pick (Sergei Shirokov)
This ranks as one of the worst trades in NHL, and perhaps professional sports, history. Bertuzzi, limited by a bad back and a dwindling reservoir of both courage and talent, played a whopping 7 games in Florida, scoring 1 goal. Luongo solidified his rep as the best goalie in the league by leading Vancouver to a Northwest Division title and the playoffs in his first season as a Canuck, before the team slipped last year due to their complete inability to score goals or provide their fans with entertaining hockey. I know then-Florida GM Mike Keenan has stated his hands were tied by Luongo’s impending free agency, but sweet Jesus man, shop around! This trade was absolutely fucking brutal and set the Panthers back years.
2) Trade deadline 2007 – Todd Bertuzzi from the Florida Panthers to the Detroit Red Wings for Shawn Matthias and a conditional draft pick
After Bertuzzi shit the bed and was an utter failure in Florida, the Panthers went into salvage mode and flipped him to the cup-hungry Detroit Red Wings. Detroit went on a lengthy run before being bounced out by the eventual Stanley Cup champion Anaheim (Worst Team Name in Professional Sports) Ducks. Bertuzzi’s Detroit contribution? A whopping 4 points in 8 regular season games followed by an even more underwhelming 7 points in 16 playoff games. Going the other way? Shawn Matthias, a promising young player who figures to make the Panther line-up as a top 9 forward. A rare swing-and-miss by Ken Holland as Todd Bertuzzi again subtracts more than he adds to an organization. So, at this point you would think no one would touch this dude again right? He’s sure to begin hanging out with Theo Fleury, picking fights in Belfast pubs and trying out for Z-level minor pro baseball teams. Not so fast True Disbelievers!
To Be Continued
JB
1) 2006 - Todd Bertuzzi, Bryan Allen and Alex Auld from the Vancouver Canucks to the Florida Panthers for Roberto Luongo, Lukas Krajieck, and a 6th round pick (Sergei Shirokov)
This ranks as one of the worst trades in NHL, and perhaps professional sports, history. Bertuzzi, limited by a bad back and a dwindling reservoir of both courage and talent, played a whopping 7 games in Florida, scoring 1 goal. Luongo solidified his rep as the best goalie in the league by leading Vancouver to a Northwest Division title and the playoffs in his first season as a Canuck, before the team slipped last year due to their complete inability to score goals or provide their fans with entertaining hockey. I know then-Florida GM Mike Keenan has stated his hands were tied by Luongo’s impending free agency, but sweet Jesus man, shop around! This trade was absolutely fucking brutal and set the Panthers back years.
2) Trade deadline 2007 – Todd Bertuzzi from the Florida Panthers to the Detroit Red Wings for Shawn Matthias and a conditional draft pick
After Bertuzzi shit the bed and was an utter failure in Florida, the Panthers went into salvage mode and flipped him to the cup-hungry Detroit Red Wings. Detroit went on a lengthy run before being bounced out by the eventual Stanley Cup champion Anaheim (Worst Team Name in Professional Sports) Ducks. Bertuzzi’s Detroit contribution? A whopping 4 points in 8 regular season games followed by an even more underwhelming 7 points in 16 playoff games. Going the other way? Shawn Matthias, a promising young player who figures to make the Panther line-up as a top 9 forward. A rare swing-and-miss by Ken Holland as Todd Bertuzzi again subtracts more than he adds to an organization. So, at this point you would think no one would touch this dude again right? He’s sure to begin hanging out with Theo Fleury, picking fights in Belfast pubs and trying out for Z-level minor pro baseball teams. Not so fast True Disbelievers!
To Be Continued
JB
Friday, August 29, 2008
Dominoes Poised To Tumble
As August nears end, some dominoes stand to fall in rapid order as September and NHL training camps approach, leading to a release from the August hockey hot stove doldrums. A brief summary…
Mats Sundin – My colleague The Hac has already bitch-slapped this overrated, egotistical attention whore in a post; regardless, however this clown decides to proceed will affect the decision-making of a number of teams (Vancouver, Toronto, Montreal, NYR) as they fill out their rosters in the following weeks. Sundin seems unlikely to return to his former employer the Maple Leafs, much like teammate…
Bryan McCabe – The rumoured Florida trade (for Mike Van Ryn) makes sense for both teams, as it’s clear the Maple Leafs want to blow out their locker room while clearing cap space and McCabe needs a fresh start and still has value. However, even with this trade Florida is still hurting up front, which brings us to the…
Tampa Bay Lighting – With a massive glut of forwards and a questionable blueline, one would suspect they will be moving some bodies in the hopes of better balancing their roster. A deal with the d-man rich Panthers is a possibility, provided they can get over their divisional rivalry. This also might explain the Lightning’s rumoured interest in…
Andrej Meszaros – Ottawa’s lone holdout also represents the only decent puck-mover on their backend. Given the Sens’ lack of roster depth and questionable goaltending, I have a feeling this season will be disappointing for Senator fans. They do have options if Mezaros leaves the capital city, including…
Mathieu Schneider – The veteran offensive defenseman is currently under contract to the Worst Franchise Name Ever, a team roughly $3 million dollars over the salary cap, and rumoured to be returning flaky veteran Teemu Selanne for another go. Schneider would be readily available for a low trade cost, with rumoured interested parties including the…
Los Angeles Kings – With a gazillion dollars in cap space and the need to reach the salary cap floor, the Kings could use a talented veteran like Schneider to help nurture their talented blueline core. Of course, they could also use some help between the pipes, which finally leads us to…
Nikolai Khabibulin and the Chicago Blackhawks – Over the cap and with roughly $12 million tied up in their goaltending, vaunted paycheque player Khabibulin and his $7 million salary remains the most likely candidate to get bounced out of Chicago, whether via trade or waivers.
So, let’s see which domino falls first in the next week, and I suspect we’ll see a Verne Troyer sized flurry of activity as NHL clubs figure out who they want to go to war with. Should be interesting, and let’s hope it makes up for an unconscionably dull August.
JB
Mats Sundin – My colleague The Hac has already bitch-slapped this overrated, egotistical attention whore in a post; regardless, however this clown decides to proceed will affect the decision-making of a number of teams (Vancouver, Toronto, Montreal, NYR) as they fill out their rosters in the following weeks. Sundin seems unlikely to return to his former employer the Maple Leafs, much like teammate…
Bryan McCabe – The rumoured Florida trade (for Mike Van Ryn) makes sense for both teams, as it’s clear the Maple Leafs want to blow out their locker room while clearing cap space and McCabe needs a fresh start and still has value. However, even with this trade Florida is still hurting up front, which brings us to the…
Tampa Bay Lighting – With a massive glut of forwards and a questionable blueline, one would suspect they will be moving some bodies in the hopes of better balancing their roster. A deal with the d-man rich Panthers is a possibility, provided they can get over their divisional rivalry. This also might explain the Lightning’s rumoured interest in…
Andrej Meszaros – Ottawa’s lone holdout also represents the only decent puck-mover on their backend. Given the Sens’ lack of roster depth and questionable goaltending, I have a feeling this season will be disappointing for Senator fans. They do have options if Mezaros leaves the capital city, including…
Mathieu Schneider – The veteran offensive defenseman is currently under contract to the Worst Franchise Name Ever, a team roughly $3 million dollars over the salary cap, and rumoured to be returning flaky veteran Teemu Selanne for another go. Schneider would be readily available for a low trade cost, with rumoured interested parties including the…
Los Angeles Kings – With a gazillion dollars in cap space and the need to reach the salary cap floor, the Kings could use a talented veteran like Schneider to help nurture their talented blueline core. Of course, they could also use some help between the pipes, which finally leads us to…
Nikolai Khabibulin and the Chicago Blackhawks – Over the cap and with roughly $12 million tied up in their goaltending, vaunted paycheque player Khabibulin and his $7 million salary remains the most likely candidate to get bounced out of Chicago, whether via trade or waivers.
So, let’s see which domino falls first in the next week, and I suspect we’ll see a Verne Troyer sized flurry of activity as NHL clubs figure out who they want to go to war with. Should be interesting, and let’s hope it makes up for an unconscionably dull August.
JB
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Gary Bettman: Self-Deluded Idiot or Misunderstood Genius?
The long-standing Commissioner of the NHL has had an interesting run the last few years. I could discuss the absurdity of an entire season missed due to a lockout in an apparently futile attempt at keeping player salaries under control (Scott Gomez, Chris Drury, Daniel Briere, and Brian Campbell for nearly $50 million a piece? Ron Hainsey for $22.5 million? Really?), but the past summers have been strange in many ways. Time for a little reflection.
1) The continued clusterfuck in Nashville
Recent NHL news indicates that the tentative deal transferring ownership from Predators owner Craig Leopold to a local group of businessmen has reached some troubled waters, including the fact that the NHL neglected to do due diligence in their investigation of an owner that seems to be a tad bit of a criminal. What a shocking development. The truth is, this lingering issue regarding the sale of the Nashville Predators has become such a bullshit gumbo that it was inevitable things wouldn’t work out with the most recent group of fools eager to sink their cash into the blackhole-like money pit known as the Nashville Predators. The first issue: Hockey doesn’t fly in Nashville. 10 years later, and the Nashville market still doesn’t give a shit. The team has lost giant sums of cash every year, is under supported by the local business community, and in a league dominated by gate revenues, doesn’t spin the turnstiles nearly enough to get out of the red. The second issue: League interference (by league I mean Gary Bettman) in the sale. When billionaire Jim Balsillie made a giant offer to purchase the Preds, while making no bones about his desire to move the team to Southern Ontario, Bettman freaked, intervened in the sale, and urged Craig Leopold to reject the offer in favour of a local offer, the one that just had a lit stick of dynamite shoved up it’s ass, worth approximately $60 million less. Thanks Gary! It’s bad enough the team loses money every year, but then the Commissioner asks team ownership to bite the bullet and take a lesser bid. Can anyone explain how this makes any sense?
2) The NHL’s stubborn insistence on keeping teams in poor markets and devaluing the economic viability of the league as a whole
Outside of Predator-gate, other failing markets include Phoenix, Atlanta, Florida (Miami), and Tampa Bay. Notice any similarities here? Formerly thriving markets that have gone the way of the Atlanta Flames include Chicago, Boston, and Long Island, where incompetent ownership and poor on-ice performance have neutered the fan base (although Chicago and Boston have shown signs of life as of late, such as the Blackhawks embracing the novel concept of televising their product). To make matters worse, Tampa ownership, relatively fresh off a recent Stanley Cup victory, has decided to bail, selling the franchise to an ownership group that appears determined to collect forwards and refuses to shore up the areas (goaltending, defence) that have plagued the success of the on-ice product. Losing a lot of 5-4 games will sure help stabilize things. At least Doug McLean wasn’t part of the ownership group as initially rumoured; that guy crippled Columbus for almost 10 years but somehow avoided unemployment, thus earning the nickname (from me anyways) of Doug “Genital Herpes” Mclean, as he had the staying power of, well, genital herpes.
I wonder why bids such as those from Jim Balsillie are sabotaged and derided. Was he arrogant and obnoxious in his approach? Yes. Does he provide the financial acumen, savvy, and competitive edge to own a successful franchise? Absolutely. Moving a team to Southern Ontario makes so much sense that it just won’t happen in a league where the NHL stubbornly insists on keeping teams in markets where they lose enormous sums of cash every year. Having strong teams in strong markets is what makes a professional sports league successful and profitable as a whole. Look at the NFL for evidence.
3) Rumours of NHL interest in expansion
Ugh. I’ll just echo the choir of common sense expressed from around the hockey world. Don’t expand. Move a team to a new market instead. The talent pool cannot support 32 teams. I live in a city where I have to watch teams like the Wild and the Canucks all the time. Don’t encourage this style of play by diluting the talent pool even further. Please.
4) NHL games in Europe
Given that fan interest and widespread media coverage in the United States ranks below that of NASCAR, you might think the NHL might be more interested in shoring up their domestic market. Well, you might think that, but apparently you would be way offside. Instead, 2 puff games were played in London last year, with 2 more planned for Prague this year. Well done! “Exposing” the game to overseas markets might seem like a swell idea, but to do so when roughly a third of your franchises have a hard time giving tickets away seems more than a little self-indulgent to me. Put in perspective though, this makes perfect sense, as when Gary Bettman became the commissioner the NHL threatened the NBA in popularity and had a decent piece of the North American sports pie. Now, the NHL is a David Letterman punchline and would have a hard time selling liquor and drugs to Amy Winehouse. Bravo NHL!
In Conclusion:
Well, I guess you might see where I sit on the Idiot/Genius debate. It shocks me that Gary Bettman keeps his job after years of failure and backwards steps. He must hang out with Doug McLean and discuss office politic strategies on justifying an unequivocally disgraceful job performance. The NHL will continue to sputter as long as this clown reigns supreme, stubbornly forcing the league into the Triple A status of professional North American sports leagues. The steps to building a stronger, more profitable NHL seems obvious:
1) Find viable hockey markets for franchises, and abandon those markets that are clearly failures. Hint: a decade or more of losing money and flat-lining attendance numbers are pretty good indicators you might want to pull up the anchor.
2) Build independent financially viable franchises. Focus on helping clubs build their local markets and fill their buildings.
3) Promote stars and successful franchises nationally. A return to form for the Original 6 franchises would be helpful here. Get back on ESPN and lose the bogus network that currently broadcasts your games.
4) Fuck overseas games. Get your shit together domestically first.
Those are my thoughts. I might be crazy, but frankly, I don’t think Gary Bettman could organize a shag at a cathouse. Can the league recover? Yes. Is new leadership required? Undoubtedly.
JB
1) The continued clusterfuck in Nashville
Recent NHL news indicates that the tentative deal transferring ownership from Predators owner Craig Leopold to a local group of businessmen has reached some troubled waters, including the fact that the NHL neglected to do due diligence in their investigation of an owner that seems to be a tad bit of a criminal. What a shocking development. The truth is, this lingering issue regarding the sale of the Nashville Predators has become such a bullshit gumbo that it was inevitable things wouldn’t work out with the most recent group of fools eager to sink their cash into the blackhole-like money pit known as the Nashville Predators. The first issue: Hockey doesn’t fly in Nashville. 10 years later, and the Nashville market still doesn’t give a shit. The team has lost giant sums of cash every year, is under supported by the local business community, and in a league dominated by gate revenues, doesn’t spin the turnstiles nearly enough to get out of the red. The second issue: League interference (by league I mean Gary Bettman) in the sale. When billionaire Jim Balsillie made a giant offer to purchase the Preds, while making no bones about his desire to move the team to Southern Ontario, Bettman freaked, intervened in the sale, and urged Craig Leopold to reject the offer in favour of a local offer, the one that just had a lit stick of dynamite shoved up it’s ass, worth approximately $60 million less. Thanks Gary! It’s bad enough the team loses money every year, but then the Commissioner asks team ownership to bite the bullet and take a lesser bid. Can anyone explain how this makes any sense?
2) The NHL’s stubborn insistence on keeping teams in poor markets and devaluing the economic viability of the league as a whole
Outside of Predator-gate, other failing markets include Phoenix, Atlanta, Florida (Miami), and Tampa Bay. Notice any similarities here? Formerly thriving markets that have gone the way of the Atlanta Flames include Chicago, Boston, and Long Island, where incompetent ownership and poor on-ice performance have neutered the fan base (although Chicago and Boston have shown signs of life as of late, such as the Blackhawks embracing the novel concept of televising their product). To make matters worse, Tampa ownership, relatively fresh off a recent Stanley Cup victory, has decided to bail, selling the franchise to an ownership group that appears determined to collect forwards and refuses to shore up the areas (goaltending, defence) that have plagued the success of the on-ice product. Losing a lot of 5-4 games will sure help stabilize things. At least Doug McLean wasn’t part of the ownership group as initially rumoured; that guy crippled Columbus for almost 10 years but somehow avoided unemployment, thus earning the nickname (from me anyways) of Doug “Genital Herpes” Mclean, as he had the staying power of, well, genital herpes.
I wonder why bids such as those from Jim Balsillie are sabotaged and derided. Was he arrogant and obnoxious in his approach? Yes. Does he provide the financial acumen, savvy, and competitive edge to own a successful franchise? Absolutely. Moving a team to Southern Ontario makes so much sense that it just won’t happen in a league where the NHL stubbornly insists on keeping teams in markets where they lose enormous sums of cash every year. Having strong teams in strong markets is what makes a professional sports league successful and profitable as a whole. Look at the NFL for evidence.
3) Rumours of NHL interest in expansion
Ugh. I’ll just echo the choir of common sense expressed from around the hockey world. Don’t expand. Move a team to a new market instead. The talent pool cannot support 32 teams. I live in a city where I have to watch teams like the Wild and the Canucks all the time. Don’t encourage this style of play by diluting the talent pool even further. Please.
4) NHL games in Europe
Given that fan interest and widespread media coverage in the United States ranks below that of NASCAR, you might think the NHL might be more interested in shoring up their domestic market. Well, you might think that, but apparently you would be way offside. Instead, 2 puff games were played in London last year, with 2 more planned for Prague this year. Well done! “Exposing” the game to overseas markets might seem like a swell idea, but to do so when roughly a third of your franchises have a hard time giving tickets away seems more than a little self-indulgent to me. Put in perspective though, this makes perfect sense, as when Gary Bettman became the commissioner the NHL threatened the NBA in popularity and had a decent piece of the North American sports pie. Now, the NHL is a David Letterman punchline and would have a hard time selling liquor and drugs to Amy Winehouse. Bravo NHL!
In Conclusion:
Well, I guess you might see where I sit on the Idiot/Genius debate. It shocks me that Gary Bettman keeps his job after years of failure and backwards steps. He must hang out with Doug McLean and discuss office politic strategies on justifying an unequivocally disgraceful job performance. The NHL will continue to sputter as long as this clown reigns supreme, stubbornly forcing the league into the Triple A status of professional North American sports leagues. The steps to building a stronger, more profitable NHL seems obvious:
1) Find viable hockey markets for franchises, and abandon those markets that are clearly failures. Hint: a decade or more of losing money and flat-lining attendance numbers are pretty good indicators you might want to pull up the anchor.
2) Build independent financially viable franchises. Focus on helping clubs build their local markets and fill their buildings.
3) Promote stars and successful franchises nationally. A return to form for the Original 6 franchises would be helpful here. Get back on ESPN and lose the bogus network that currently broadcasts your games.
4) Fuck overseas games. Get your shit together domestically first.
Those are my thoughts. I might be crazy, but frankly, I don’t think Gary Bettman could organize a shag at a cathouse. Can the league recover? Yes. Is new leadership required? Undoubtedly.
JB
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Sundin and McCabe
First off, let me say that Mats Sundin has had a great career statistically, and he will probably go to the Hall of Fame as a Leaf. But let me also say, he and McCabe are a pair of complete assholes that clearly don’t give a shit about Leaf fans.
It started last year at the trade deadline when neither of them would waive their NTC so the Leafs could set the foundation for the future. That was equivalent to giving Leaf fans the middle finger. Fast forward to this summer, and we have Mats being non-committal about even playing, and McCabe for all intents and purposes trying to trade himself.
Now if Sundin doesn’t play wouldn’t it have been better if he’d accepted a trade to a contender (probably the Wings). It would have been great for Sundin as he’d have won a cup, and it would have be better for the organization because they would have picks or prospects. Last but not least the fans would be respectful towards Sundin for doing the right thing, and excited he’d won a greatly deserved cup. As it sits he probably will play, but not for the Leafs; he won’t win a cup, and the Leaf fans will be the only ones feeling screwed, as they will have no superstar to lead their team, and no prospects for the future…ouch!
McCabe on the other hand is basically the definition of overpaid underachiever. There is a picture of him in the dictionary right beside the picture of Frank Thomas in a Jays uniform. If the fact that he’s mailed it in for two year wasn’t bad enough, he too wouldn’t accept a trade at the deadline. Compounding this he is now dictating to Fletcher where he’ll go, and if the rumors are true we’ll all find out in about a week. Of course he’ll add insult to injury when he picks up his 2mil door prize for being mediocre. Now, the real problem here is that at the deadline Fletcher could have traded McCabe for more, because every GM in the league now knows that the Leafs want him gone, not to mention the fact he short-listed some teams thereby limiting the competitive trade environment further pushing down his value. If I were a Leafs fan I’d be livid; I’m not so this is kind of funny, but if I were my feelings toward him would rank right up there with having an oral exam with a jack hammer.
It is ironic that two players that were thought to be corner stones of the Leafs franchise are ultimately going to be responsible for leaving the team on a shaky foundation. The only silver lining is that the Leafs are positioned to execute the Pens rebuilding model to a T, and pick 1st overall picks in a couple years to come. So Leaf fans prepare for a couple seasons of brutal hockey, which won’t he a huge stretch from the shit you faced last year. Perhaps look at taking in more AHL games…..the team might be better.
Give us your thoughts,
The Hac
It started last year at the trade deadline when neither of them would waive their NTC so the Leafs could set the foundation for the future. That was equivalent to giving Leaf fans the middle finger. Fast forward to this summer, and we have Mats being non-committal about even playing, and McCabe for all intents and purposes trying to trade himself.
Now if Sundin doesn’t play wouldn’t it have been better if he’d accepted a trade to a contender (probably the Wings). It would have been great for Sundin as he’d have won a cup, and it would have be better for the organization because they would have picks or prospects. Last but not least the fans would be respectful towards Sundin for doing the right thing, and excited he’d won a greatly deserved cup. As it sits he probably will play, but not for the Leafs; he won’t win a cup, and the Leaf fans will be the only ones feeling screwed, as they will have no superstar to lead their team, and no prospects for the future…ouch!
McCabe on the other hand is basically the definition of overpaid underachiever. There is a picture of him in the dictionary right beside the picture of Frank Thomas in a Jays uniform. If the fact that he’s mailed it in for two year wasn’t bad enough, he too wouldn’t accept a trade at the deadline. Compounding this he is now dictating to Fletcher where he’ll go, and if the rumors are true we’ll all find out in about a week. Of course he’ll add insult to injury when he picks up his 2mil door prize for being mediocre. Now, the real problem here is that at the deadline Fletcher could have traded McCabe for more, because every GM in the league now knows that the Leafs want him gone, not to mention the fact he short-listed some teams thereby limiting the competitive trade environment further pushing down his value. If I were a Leafs fan I’d be livid; I’m not so this is kind of funny, but if I were my feelings toward him would rank right up there with having an oral exam with a jack hammer.
It is ironic that two players that were thought to be corner stones of the Leafs franchise are ultimately going to be responsible for leaving the team on a shaky foundation. The only silver lining is that the Leafs are positioned to execute the Pens rebuilding model to a T, and pick 1st overall picks in a couple years to come. So Leaf fans prepare for a couple seasons of brutal hockey, which won’t he a huge stretch from the shit you faced last year. Perhaps look at taking in more AHL games…..the team might be better.
Give us your thoughts,
The Hac
Friday, August 22, 2008
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