When I was a kid, I loved the movie “The Last Boy Scout.” I didn’t love it because it was well-scripted, had riveting action sequences, or featured terrific chemistry between Bruce Willis and Damon Wayans. I loved it because it was such a piece of shit it was almost laughably wicked. Outside of a premise so fucking stupid you’d have to possess a George Bush-ian suspension of disbelief to get into the movie, the script was cliché-ridden and the acting was pathetic. In other word, this flick was a trifecta of shit, for which it will always hold a special place in my heart.
This brings me to my love of the Tampa Bay Lightning. To say this franchise is the laughingstock of the NHL is kind of like saying Scott Baio is a bit washed up. The most recent Lightning fiasco involves free-agent bust Radim Vrbata taking his ball and going home to the Czech Republic to finish the season. Nicely done. In the infamous words of former NBA player Micheal Ray Richardson, “the ship be sinking.” If Vrbata would rather play back in Europe than stick with the Lightning, now on their second coach, the boat is sinking like it’s got a gut full of Taco fucking Tuesday in it.
The Lightning also put good soldier Chris Gratton on waivers, where he was picked up by the Leafs. Yeesh! That’s a slight upgrade for Gratton as I see it, because I’m pretty sure Brian Burke is going to light a huge stick of dynamite and blow that thing up like Meg Ryan’s lips before the trade deadline.
Anyways, the Lightning fucking suck. Really bad. I’ve already gone into great description in previous posts, so I’ll keep it short here. I’m having an awesome time watching the Len & Oren show at work: rookie GM, hiring the Mullet, 75 free agent forward signings, trading Dan Boyle, firing the Mullet, hiring Rick “the Gambler” Tocchet, and now begins the gutting of the roster. This shit is awesome. I wish I could be a fly on the wall in Lightning management meetings:
“Fuck. Vrbata’s not working out. What should we do?”
“Fire the coach?”
“We just did that. How about we ask him to go home?”
"Sure. We’re gonna have a hard time making payroll this month. Let’s throw someone on waivers. How about Gratton?”
"Sounds good. Is it too late to send Stamkos down? Can we trade Meszaros for draft picks?”
Fucking awesome. I can’t wait until the Lightning finish last, fire Tocchet, hire Jacques Demers, trade Steven Stamkos, trade down in the draft for an extra 2nd round pick, sigh Martin St. Louis to a ten-year contract extension, and then make the players paint the face of Jigsaw from the “Saw” movie franchise on their helmets.
I love the Lightning. And Jim Ballsillie wasn’t good enough for the NHL?
JB
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