HockeySmack has been quiet the last 3 months. There’s been babies, new jobs and other bits in the lives of myself and the Hac, but there’s also been a shitload of one intangible that’s made it difficult to write: fucked up fucking mother-fucking rage. I should explain: I’m an Edmonton Oilers fan. This is not a healthy choice for anyone’s emotional and/or mental well-being, but I live in this fucking shithole of a city, and hockey’s the only game in town, so there you have it. The Oilers are operated like a family-run business, but one characterized by inbreeding, mild retardation, and a total lack of any dissension. They’re like the English Royal Family, except that people actually care about them (with the only thing interesting about the Royals being which slags or racial slurs the two youngest genetically challenged offspring are dropping). In other words, every time I’ve sat in front of my keyboard the last few months the only thing that’s sprung out of my mind has been a huge string of variations of the word "fuck." Funny once or twice, but engaging over the long term? Not so much.
After watching this heartless, confused and leadership-free team drop another crucial game to the unwatchable Minnesota Wild, and begin their inevitable march out of the playoffs I’ve had my fill of silence. It’s time to let loose and express my feelings about this organization, coaching staff, and players. Fuck these fucking cunts. Enough of taking small bites of the soggy shit sandwich these mother fuckers serve up to their fan base: it’s time to go back to elementary school and make a wish list for Santa, with the role of Santa played by the enigmatic Darryl Katz. This must mean that Kevin Lowe and Craig MacFuckwit are the rough equivalent of the cock-sucking relative who gives you a wool sweater with a pine tree on it for Christmas. Good call fuckers. That’s why you’re getting a second-hand vibrator this year. Fuckers.
My off-season wishlist (Yay):
1) Fire fucking Cunt MacCuntish. I’ve had it watching fucking MacToolbag handle the reins the last 8 years. He had a built-in excuse for failure when the club couldn’t compete financially, but now that the team spends money like a coked-up 19-year-old Fort McMurray rigpig on his weeks off, where’s the fucking beef? His over reliance on marginally talented veterans (Pisani, Moreau, Staios), his inability to hold those same players accountable, his seeming hate hard-on for a select few young players, and his inability to generate any sense of urgency in the club should signal the end for this fucking jackass. The team was a clusterfuck from day one, and MacFailure couldn’t get the most out of his players. Enough said. Despite this, he won’t be fired as long as he and K-Lowe are still sword-fighting and re-enacting Brokeback Mountain together. But as this is a wishlist, sayonara fucktard.
2) Goodbye veteran core! I’ve read online speculation that Gilbert or Grebashkov could be traded in the hopes of landing that elusive top 6 forward that will cure cancer, make cats and dogs play together, and lead to an elusive eight place finish for the Oil. Well color me unconvinced. Instead of losing the puck-moving, smooth skating d-man with upside, how about losing the old, over-worked, predictable, can’t fucking skate motherfucker named Steve Staios instead? If you keep Gilbert and Grebs, the top four d-men (including Souray and Visnovsky) look good. Trade Staios for some lube for K-Lowe and MacTaint, or a bag of pucks, or some A535 for Rollie. Give him away! Same goes for Horcoff, Moreau, and Pisani – they are overpaid, and for “leadership” guys, they don’t really provide much, you know, leadership. So, fuck these four guys: off you go you overpaid cunts. I know: you’d need to throw in half the Oiler wives to trade Horcoff and his supersized contract, but it’s worth a shot.
3) Fire Kevin Lowe. This organization is a fucking disaster. The NHL club is a mess. The AHL affiliate has already apologized to their fans for their fucking pathetic play (I don’t’ see the NHL club making a similar gesture to their fans). The scouting staff has a very spotty record assessing talent in the draft. Unworthy, but familiar individuals are rewarded with jobs (Kelly Buchberger) and cap-clogging contracts (see wish #2). The Penner signing was an unmitigated fucking disaster. In short, as much as it pains me to agree with Brian Burke, Kevin Lowe has behaved with short-sighted desperation, eager to make a splash at the expense of making sound hockey decisions. For all of these reasons, he’s got to go. Enough is enough.
That’s all my rage in a nutshell. I’ve fucking had it; bring on the playoffs so the teams with heart and determination get the stage. I’ve had my fill of the pretenders in the local market. Time for some real hockey.
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