Last week I took a gander at the 5 teams I would be most likely to make time to watch. Now it’s time for the Bizarro-exciting, or in other words, the teams I would rather fuck a hole in the ground than watch. The teams o’ suck are:
1) Minnesota Wild – With the NHL’s division-heavy schedule, I have had the misfortune of watching way too many Wild-Oilers games the last few years. Even with a talent like Marion Gaborik, watching the Wild rates at roughly a three on my finger list, meaning I would rather cut off three of my fingers than watch a Wild game. Merci Monsieur Lemaire.
2) New Jersey Devils – In the 1990s, the Stanley Cup championship of the New York Rangers, coupled with the 1st retirement of Micahel Jordan, led the NHL to a close rivalry in terms of popularity in the U.S. with the NBA. The NHL was fortunate enough to follow that exciting Rangers championship the next year with the crowning double achievement of a season-shortening lockout and a New Jersey Devils Stanley Cup win. This win started a long (and existing) tradition of talent short teams using a neutral-zone trap system to compete, which turned the fastest team sport in the world into a product that turned fans away in droves. On second thought, maybe the lockout was preferable. Anyways, the Devils still suck salty balls to watch, so they make the list.
3) Vancouver Canucks – Poor Roberto Luongo. Poor Mike Gillis, who appears terribly overmatched as a GM. Poor Canucks fans, recharged in the flawed but entertaining Burke/Crawford era, only to be stuck with the current fiasco. A Canucks game is good for three things: great goaltending, no scoring, and a bunch of pussies who are afraid to fight. Enjoy!
4) Boston Bruins – Led by Claude Julien, the Bruins play a trap system, like the Wild and Devils. While arguably more talented than the above two, I think I would find a Roseanne Barr/Tom Arnold sex tape more entertaining than a string of B’s games.
5) New York Islanders – This is more of a hunch, as they have a new coach and a very young roster. I just have a feeling that this team is going to getting their lunch served to them on a regular basis this season. The charm of a 6-2 score wears thin when it shows up in a quarter of the games.
JB
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Sunday, September 21, 2008
5 Most Exciting To Watch
In the next few days, the Hac and I are going to take a run at nailing down the teams we figure will be both the most exciting and the most boring to watch. After all, sports are about being entertained, and there are definitely some clubs I’ll be programming the DVR to record. Here are the teams I figure will be the cat’s ass in terms of sheer entertainment value:
1) Tampa Bay Lightning – This team is going to score a shitload of goals. They will also give up a shitload of goals. Sounds good to me. There are few things as awesome as watching a 7-6 game featuring two clubs I have no emotional attachment to. Every Lightning game will have its share of highlights of both the astonishing and head-slapping variety. That being said, I still think the Lightning ownership group is fucking crazy.
2) Pittsburgh Penguins – Sidney Crosby. Evgeni Malkin. Enough said.
3) Washington Capitals – Alexander Ovechkin is arguably the most entertaining player in hockey for his goal-scoring ability, enthusiasm, and tendency to regularly crush opposing d-men with his forechecking. The Caps are another team that are going to score a ton, and with Jose “I Show Up For Contract Years” Theodore in net, chances are high Bruce Boudreau will continue to evolve into a live-action facsimile of Charlie Brown. Good times.
4) Chicago Blackhawks – The Blackhawks have one of the best young core groups of any NHL franchise. Their roster is loaded with exciting forwards and talented young d-men. They also have 2 vastly overpaid goalies, meaning that their next logical move is to bring in Dan Cloutier as a 3rd goalie. Plus, you never know when Martin Havlat will a) try to kick someone or b) suffer a broken something or other. Either way, he’s likely to do something this season to solidify his rep as the biggest pussy in the league.
5) Edmonton Oilers – Sure, I’m a homer, but the Oil can fly up and down the ice and really move the puck from the backend. They also might be the first team to go an entire game without winning a face-off, which will be both astounding and stupefying. Factor in their tendency to go to the shootout, and almost every Oiler game (excluding games against the Minnesota Wild) is must-see TV.
JB
1) Tampa Bay Lightning – This team is going to score a shitload of goals. They will also give up a shitload of goals. Sounds good to me. There are few things as awesome as watching a 7-6 game featuring two clubs I have no emotional attachment to. Every Lightning game will have its share of highlights of both the astonishing and head-slapping variety. That being said, I still think the Lightning ownership group is fucking crazy.
2) Pittsburgh Penguins – Sidney Crosby. Evgeni Malkin. Enough said.
3) Washington Capitals – Alexander Ovechkin is arguably the most entertaining player in hockey for his goal-scoring ability, enthusiasm, and tendency to regularly crush opposing d-men with his forechecking. The Caps are another team that are going to score a ton, and with Jose “I Show Up For Contract Years” Theodore in net, chances are high Bruce Boudreau will continue to evolve into a live-action facsimile of Charlie Brown. Good times.
4) Chicago Blackhawks – The Blackhawks have one of the best young core groups of any NHL franchise. Their roster is loaded with exciting forwards and talented young d-men. They also have 2 vastly overpaid goalies, meaning that their next logical move is to bring in Dan Cloutier as a 3rd goalie. Plus, you never know when Martin Havlat will a) try to kick someone or b) suffer a broken something or other. Either way, he’s likely to do something this season to solidify his rep as the biggest pussy in the league.
5) Edmonton Oilers – Sure, I’m a homer, but the Oil can fly up and down the ice and really move the puck from the backend. They also might be the first team to go an entire game without winning a face-off, which will be both astounding and stupefying. Factor in their tendency to go to the shootout, and almost every Oiler game (excluding games against the Minnesota Wild) is must-see TV.
JB
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Waiver mishap for Ducks
With the news this afternoon that Schneider was being put on waivers a little smile crossed my face. Why you ask…Burkie was getting what he deserved.
There has been a massive shift in thinking in the NHL over the last two seasons as we go from players being paid on past performance to players being paid for future potential. Schneider, being put on waivers is just the result of what happens when GM’s make bone head decisions. I should make it clear the signing of Schneider was not bone headed, but letting S. Niedermayer, and Selanne string him along last year was.
Other GM’s are now going to make him pay. In this case they are making Burke pay, because I think we would all agree that Schneider has trade value. If of course you are not required to trade him just to get under the cap. So, two things happen to the Ducks, one they get nothing back, and they only shed half the salary (assuming he is claimed on re-entry waivers). The reason I started to smile was because, he’ll probably go to LA who will hold him until the deadline, and then flip him for a 1st round pick. I wonder if Burke will get a Christmas card from Dean Lombardi.
The Ducks had better make the best of this year, because next year is going to be tough. They’ll have only one D-man (Tall-boy) under contract at season end. That is a lot of UFA d-men to going fishing for in the offseason and, when you consider they will only have 7 guys under contract at the end of the season. I smell rebuild! More on the changing of the NHL guard to come in future blogs.
The Hac
With the news this afternoon that Schneider was being put on waivers a little smile crossed my face. Why you ask…Burkie was getting what he deserved.
There has been a massive shift in thinking in the NHL over the last two seasons as we go from players being paid on past performance to players being paid for future potential. Schneider, being put on waivers is just the result of what happens when GM’s make bone head decisions. I should make it clear the signing of Schneider was not bone headed, but letting S. Niedermayer, and Selanne string him along last year was.
Other GM’s are now going to make him pay. In this case they are making Burke pay, because I think we would all agree that Schneider has trade value. If of course you are not required to trade him just to get under the cap. So, two things happen to the Ducks, one they get nothing back, and they only shed half the salary (assuming he is claimed on re-entry waivers). The reason I started to smile was because, he’ll probably go to LA who will hold him until the deadline, and then flip him for a 1st round pick. I wonder if Burke will get a Christmas card from Dean Lombardi.
The Ducks had better make the best of this year, because next year is going to be tough. They’ll have only one D-man (Tall-boy) under contract at season end. That is a lot of UFA d-men to going fishing for in the offseason and, when you consider they will only have 7 guys under contract at the end of the season. I smell rebuild! More on the changing of the NHL guard to come in future blogs.
The Hac
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Strange Days...
The NHL offseason is a strange time. Desperation clouds the judgement of panic-stricken GMs as they make questionable trades, overspend on washed-up free agents, and contemplate the appeal of Todd Bertuzzi. As NHL training camps approach, we’ll soon see the fruits of NHL franchises’ offseason labour, but for now, I’m going to open a bottle of wine, think about the GMs that had the roughest ride, and reminisce about the strange summer that was…
Cliff Fletcher – Well, that was awkward, and not just the creepy tan that makes Cliff Fletcher look like the love-child of Bob Barker and Mike Shanahan. I mean the whole Bryan McCabe thing. Weird. Factor in the Darcy Tucker buyout, the overpayments for Nik Hagman and Jeff Finger (??), and Fletcher’s recent attempt at lowering expectations, and it looks like a long year for the Buds. I wonder if anyone at MLSE will notice. Perhaps Fletcher watches TV and sees a kinship with his contemporary…
Glen Sather – Um, usually when you spend nearly $40 million on a d-man, he’s way better than Wade Redden, who has recently seen his stock drop like a teenage boy’s voice when he starts talking to a pretty girl. The Rangers now have a really soft and slow backend, and a weird mix of forwards that may or may not gel (heh, I just used “soft and slow backend” and “gel” in the same sentence). Slats is working on Plan 17Q in his Ranger tenure, so no worries, I’m sure he’s on top of things. In fact, Slats is about to take the hand-off from Doug McLean in receiving the “Genital Herpes GM” trophy. Hey, speaking of Doug McLean, he was replaced by…
Scott Howson – After a year in which Howson preached patience and player development, the Columbus GM spent a shitload of cash to try to push the Blue Jackets into the playoffs. The problem is that the cash was spent on overvalued free agents (Huselius, Commodore) and suspect trade targets (Backman, Torres). Such is life trying to attract players to a franchise with no hockey heritage in a city where no one wants to play. Hey, that reminds me, didn’t he work with…
Kevin Lowe – K-Lowe finally responded to Brian Burke’s repeated bitchslaps by calling him out for the overrated fucktard he is. Oh, he also upgraded the talent on the Oilers roster and nearly crippled the future cap flexibility of the club with a ludicrous offer to Marian Hossa, a short-sighted move that will likely be revisited next year. Yay. Hiring Steve Tambellini was a nice coup, but the summer had a lot of ups and downs, including a new billionaire who appears ready to flex his financial muscle in bringing the mullet back. I think Lowe is kicking it at Margaritaville as we speak.
Yeah, the offseason is kind of weird. I’ll be stoked when games begin and Sheldon Souray misses 55 games with a sports hernia incurred while piling into his hot wife, leading to the “When is the end of Sheldon Souray’s contract?” countdown. Bring on the season!
JB
Cliff Fletcher – Well, that was awkward, and not just the creepy tan that makes Cliff Fletcher look like the love-child of Bob Barker and Mike Shanahan. I mean the whole Bryan McCabe thing. Weird. Factor in the Darcy Tucker buyout, the overpayments for Nik Hagman and Jeff Finger (??), and Fletcher’s recent attempt at lowering expectations, and it looks like a long year for the Buds. I wonder if anyone at MLSE will notice. Perhaps Fletcher watches TV and sees a kinship with his contemporary…
Glen Sather – Um, usually when you spend nearly $40 million on a d-man, he’s way better than Wade Redden, who has recently seen his stock drop like a teenage boy’s voice when he starts talking to a pretty girl. The Rangers now have a really soft and slow backend, and a weird mix of forwards that may or may not gel (heh, I just used “soft and slow backend” and “gel” in the same sentence). Slats is working on Plan 17Q in his Ranger tenure, so no worries, I’m sure he’s on top of things. In fact, Slats is about to take the hand-off from Doug McLean in receiving the “Genital Herpes GM” trophy. Hey, speaking of Doug McLean, he was replaced by…
Scott Howson – After a year in which Howson preached patience and player development, the Columbus GM spent a shitload of cash to try to push the Blue Jackets into the playoffs. The problem is that the cash was spent on overvalued free agents (Huselius, Commodore) and suspect trade targets (Backman, Torres). Such is life trying to attract players to a franchise with no hockey heritage in a city where no one wants to play. Hey, that reminds me, didn’t he work with…
Kevin Lowe – K-Lowe finally responded to Brian Burke’s repeated bitchslaps by calling him out for the overrated fucktard he is. Oh, he also upgraded the talent on the Oilers roster and nearly crippled the future cap flexibility of the club with a ludicrous offer to Marian Hossa, a short-sighted move that will likely be revisited next year. Yay. Hiring Steve Tambellini was a nice coup, but the summer had a lot of ups and downs, including a new billionaire who appears ready to flex his financial muscle in bringing the mullet back. I think Lowe is kicking it at Margaritaville as we speak.
Yeah, the offseason is kind of weird. I’ll be stoked when games begin and Sheldon Souray misses 55 games with a sports hernia incurred while piling into his hot wife, leading to the “When is the end of Sheldon Souray’s contract?” countdown. Bring on the season!
JB
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
The NHL Season: Will It Ever Begin?
Every June, I find myself torn between pursuing summer activities such as drinking beer outdoors until I look like I’m suffering from mad cow disease, or meekly popping out while trying to bash home runs at softball (“You may run like Mays, but you hit like shit!”) and watching the Stanley Cup Finals. I usually make a half-hearted effort to watch some of the Finals, but inevitably end up flipping channels to check out the Blue Jays or basketball playoffs. I can’t help it; it just feels weird watching hockey in June.
So here we sit in mid-September, and NHL training camps haven’t opened yet. Hmmm… wait a second. Could it be? I’ve got it! Maybe the reason the playoffs run into bikini wax season every year is because of the ridiculously late start to the season. I’m not advocating an early September start but honestly, would it kill the league to start the regular season sometime in September? I can see why they wouldn’t want to directly compete with the opening of the NFL season (fantasy NFL tip: never draft Matt Leinhart unless there is a “number of tanned blonde, breast-augmented frat chicks boned over the off-season” scoring category), but a two-week gap would surely be sufficient.
I love the NHL playoffs, but something about watching guys skating through a white, muddy ice-like substance in 30 degree heat turns me off. The league needs to do their players and fans a favour and start and finish the season earlier. I want to be more excited about the Stanley Cup finals than angry about J.P. Ricciardi’s arrogant clusterfucking of the Blue Jays roster (look for the first non-hockey column in Hockeysmack history when we skullfuck, er, examine the J.P. Ricciardi Blue Jay era later this month), but when both occur in June, my body tells me it’s shouldn’t be hockey season.
Come on Gary Bettman! Do this one for me. After that, we can work together on getting rid of those 1 pm Stanley Cup Final weekend start times.
JB
So here we sit in mid-September, and NHL training camps haven’t opened yet. Hmmm… wait a second. Could it be? I’ve got it! Maybe the reason the playoffs run into bikini wax season every year is because of the ridiculously late start to the season. I’m not advocating an early September start but honestly, would it kill the league to start the regular season sometime in September? I can see why they wouldn’t want to directly compete with the opening of the NFL season (fantasy NFL tip: never draft Matt Leinhart unless there is a “number of tanned blonde, breast-augmented frat chicks boned over the off-season” scoring category), but a two-week gap would surely be sufficient.
I love the NHL playoffs, but something about watching guys skating through a white, muddy ice-like substance in 30 degree heat turns me off. The league needs to do their players and fans a favour and start and finish the season earlier. I want to be more excited about the Stanley Cup finals than angry about J.P. Ricciardi’s arrogant clusterfucking of the Blue Jays roster (look for the first non-hockey column in Hockeysmack history when we skullfuck, er, examine the J.P. Ricciardi Blue Jay era later this month), but when both occur in June, my body tells me it’s shouldn’t be hockey season.
Come on Gary Bettman! Do this one for me. After that, we can work together on getting rid of those 1 pm Stanley Cup Final weekend start times.
JB
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Trending Downwards
Trending Downwards
With last week’s trade of Andrej Meszaros, a young and talented defenseman that the Ottawa Senators had invested time and energy into developing, you can only begin to wonder if this is the beginning of a downward trend for the Sens. While the return in the trade (Filip Kuba, Alexandre Picard, and a 1st round pick) is solid, it feels very much like this is a team that was close but couldn’t get over the hump and is now starting to slide the opposite direction.
The strength of Ottawa in recent years has been the trio of Spezza-Heatley-Alfredsson. Outside of this line, the Sens have had a difficult time finding consistent secondary scoring. This issue remains unresolved this year, with Mike Fisher and Antoine Vermette returning to Ottawa’s second line this year with a mystery right winger (Nick Foligno?) and a distinct lack of scoring from their checking lines. This has been a problem for years, but still remains. What the fuck? I know being a GM is difficult, but trying to improve every year while doing nothing to address a glaring weakness is ridiculous.
The blueline has seen a massive exodus of talent the last few years, with Zdeno Chara, Joe Corvo, Wade Redden, and now Meszaros hitting the exit door. Jason Smith is a rugged leader, but his body has more mileage than a retired porn star. Who is going to play the point on the power play? Or move the puck to the forwards? I’ve seen a full season of a team that couldn’t pass the puck from the blueline when I shuddered through the abomination that was the 2006-07 Edmonton Oilers. It is bag-of-smashed-assholes ugly, and as a result I had way too much time to help my wife plan our wedding; when you start caring about the color of table clothes, you know your team is fucking terrible.
With the rest of the division (with the exception of the absolutely shitacular Toronto Maple Leafs) getting better in the offseason, the Senators roster being arguably less talented than last year (I can’t even describe how shitty their goaltending is), and the team dealing with the unpredictable element of a new coach (Craig Hartsburg) that has a) had two prior disappointing NHL coaching stints; and b) preaches “accountability” (sports code for being a dick) Senators fans will be in for a frustrating, and I believe, playoff-free season.
JB
With last week’s trade of Andrej Meszaros, a young and talented defenseman that the Ottawa Senators had invested time and energy into developing, you can only begin to wonder if this is the beginning of a downward trend for the Sens. While the return in the trade (Filip Kuba, Alexandre Picard, and a 1st round pick) is solid, it feels very much like this is a team that was close but couldn’t get over the hump and is now starting to slide the opposite direction.
The strength of Ottawa in recent years has been the trio of Spezza-Heatley-Alfredsson. Outside of this line, the Sens have had a difficult time finding consistent secondary scoring. This issue remains unresolved this year, with Mike Fisher and Antoine Vermette returning to Ottawa’s second line this year with a mystery right winger (Nick Foligno?) and a distinct lack of scoring from their checking lines. This has been a problem for years, but still remains. What the fuck? I know being a GM is difficult, but trying to improve every year while doing nothing to address a glaring weakness is ridiculous.
The blueline has seen a massive exodus of talent the last few years, with Zdeno Chara, Joe Corvo, Wade Redden, and now Meszaros hitting the exit door. Jason Smith is a rugged leader, but his body has more mileage than a retired porn star. Who is going to play the point on the power play? Or move the puck to the forwards? I’ve seen a full season of a team that couldn’t pass the puck from the blueline when I shuddered through the abomination that was the 2006-07 Edmonton Oilers. It is bag-of-smashed-assholes ugly, and as a result I had way too much time to help my wife plan our wedding; when you start caring about the color of table clothes, you know your team is fucking terrible.
With the rest of the division (with the exception of the absolutely shitacular Toronto Maple Leafs) getting better in the offseason, the Senators roster being arguably less talented than last year (I can’t even describe how shitty their goaltending is), and the team dealing with the unpredictable element of a new coach (Craig Hartsburg) that has a) had two prior disappointing NHL coaching stints; and b) preaches “accountability” (sports code for being a dick) Senators fans will be in for a frustrating, and I believe, playoff-free season.
JB
Friday, September 5, 2008
McCabe Follow-up (worst kept trade in hockey)
So now that Brain McCabe (B-Mc) has been officially traded to Panthers with a fourth rounder for Van Ryn we can revisit the topic of this selfish clown one last time. You know you are an ass when people assess the winner of a trade based on who got rid of the best player. When people starting looking at things from that point of view you know the guy must have been a real piece of work. Not to mention it has also come out that B-Mc had a choice of the Panthers, or the Rangers. So not only does he not care about the fans in TO, but he clearly never, and I mean never wants to play on a winner.
Just so we have this clear….he didn’t waive his NTC last year to a contender only to orchestrate a trade to one of the worst teams in hockey. B-Mc is a loser, and Leafs fans are better off with this guy playing in FLA. They got a decent player back that has a little character, and they got rid of a guy that just doesn’t care.
Look at the return that Buffalo got at the deadline for Campbell (I’m not comparing the two), but you have to think that McCabe in that trade environment would have at least fetched a prospect with NHL experience (i.e. Bernier for McCabe). Campbell is a much better player, and thus is worthy of a top prospect, and a 1st rounder. Look at what the Leaf’s return, and they had to toss in a 4th rounder, which based on how they finish could be a top 100 pick.
When you start looking at how this whole thing with B-Mc played out, and the fact he snubbed the fans. It is only fitting that he goes to a place that the fans will care as little about him as he does about them.
The Hac
So now that Brain McCabe (B-Mc) has been officially traded to Panthers with a fourth rounder for Van Ryn we can revisit the topic of this selfish clown one last time. You know you are an ass when people assess the winner of a trade based on who got rid of the best player. When people starting looking at things from that point of view you know the guy must have been a real piece of work. Not to mention it has also come out that B-Mc had a choice of the Panthers, or the Rangers. So not only does he not care about the fans in TO, but he clearly never, and I mean never wants to play on a winner.
Just so we have this clear….he didn’t waive his NTC last year to a contender only to orchestrate a trade to one of the worst teams in hockey. B-Mc is a loser, and Leafs fans are better off with this guy playing in FLA. They got a decent player back that has a little character, and they got rid of a guy that just doesn’t care.
Look at the return that Buffalo got at the deadline for Campbell (I’m not comparing the two), but you have to think that McCabe in that trade environment would have at least fetched a prospect with NHL experience (i.e. Bernier for McCabe). Campbell is a much better player, and thus is worthy of a top prospect, and a 1st rounder. Look at what the Leaf’s return, and they had to toss in a 4th rounder, which based on how they finish could be a top 100 pick.
When you start looking at how this whole thing with B-Mc played out, and the fact he snubbed the fans. It is only fitting that he goes to a place that the fans will care as little about him as he does about them.
The Hac
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Todd Bertuzzi – Destroyer of Franchises Part II
3) 2007 Free Agency – Todd Bertuzzi is signed by the Anaheim Ducks to a 2-year, $8 million dollar contract
Well, this makes sense. The Ducks were:
a) a championship team with young star restricted free agents needing to be resigned with the team pressed tight against the cap
b) hampered by selfish and painfully slow retirement deliberations by the team’s two biggest stars and leaders (Niedermayer, Selanne), who both acted like a dinner date unable to decide on an entrée
The obvious solution to these problems: Todd Fucking Bertuzzi!!! Reason to sign him: he and Brian Burke shared the same tailor in Vancouver. Reasons not to sign him: 5 years of declining production, ongoing Moore-related lawsuits, and a lengthy injury history. The result: 14 goals and 40 points, a milk carton “performance” in the playoffs, and a humiliating 1st round upset at the hands of the Dallas Stars. Furthermore, this ridiculous contract led to the poaching of Dustin Penner by the Edmonton Oilers and Brian Burke’s year-long jilted girlfriend-esque bitching and moaning. The best part of this entire fiasco is Anaheim buying out the last year of Bertuzzi’s contract, meaning that Brian Burke and I are finally of the same mind about something: Todd Bertuzzi is such a detriment to a team’s on-ice performance, it is better to pay him not to play than to have him return. Good call Burkie, you egotistical, self-important douchebag.
4) Free agency – 2008 – Todd Bertuzzi is signed by the Calgary Flames to a 1-year, $1.95 million contract.
I’m no Dionne Warwick, but I can take a wild guess as to how this will turn out: poor performance, Bertuzzi and Flames coach Mike Keenan going all Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards on each other, Flames fans turning on Bertuzzi like Shaquille O’Neal on an ex-girlfriend, and an inglorious exit at the end of the season where Bertuzzi will deflect blame, much as he did at the press conference where the Flames introduced him (he deftly passed the buck by questioning how he was used as a Duck, rather than be honest about his own sub-par performance). Good times. Let it be said Darryl Sutter is not afraid to stir together a chilli pot that might have diarrhoea-like results.
After this, who knows? Bertuzzi is arguably the most unlikeable player in the NHL, given his history of vile actions, poor play, and inability to take responsibility for both. I suspect this might be the end of the road for Bertuzzi, and that he would have been better served going somewhere where hockey is a small blip in the local sports market. Calgary is a hockey city, and when Bertuzzi struggles, he will hear about it. Loudly. Frankly, I wonder if the Flames wouldn’t have been better off signing Glen Murray or Mark Parrish instead. The funny thing is, the Flames are still over the cap, meaning a loyal solider like Rhett Warrener will get sent to the minors to make room for Big Bert. Nothing like eating up a character guy’s roster spot to let fans and teammates know you’ve arrived. Let the Bertuzzi era in Calgary begin!
JB
Well, this makes sense. The Ducks were:
a) a championship team with young star restricted free agents needing to be resigned with the team pressed tight against the cap
b) hampered by selfish and painfully slow retirement deliberations by the team’s two biggest stars and leaders (Niedermayer, Selanne), who both acted like a dinner date unable to decide on an entrée
The obvious solution to these problems: Todd Fucking Bertuzzi!!! Reason to sign him: he and Brian Burke shared the same tailor in Vancouver. Reasons not to sign him: 5 years of declining production, ongoing Moore-related lawsuits, and a lengthy injury history. The result: 14 goals and 40 points, a milk carton “performance” in the playoffs, and a humiliating 1st round upset at the hands of the Dallas Stars. Furthermore, this ridiculous contract led to the poaching of Dustin Penner by the Edmonton Oilers and Brian Burke’s year-long jilted girlfriend-esque bitching and moaning. The best part of this entire fiasco is Anaheim buying out the last year of Bertuzzi’s contract, meaning that Brian Burke and I are finally of the same mind about something: Todd Bertuzzi is such a detriment to a team’s on-ice performance, it is better to pay him not to play than to have him return. Good call Burkie, you egotistical, self-important douchebag.
4) Free agency – 2008 – Todd Bertuzzi is signed by the Calgary Flames to a 1-year, $1.95 million contract.
I’m no Dionne Warwick, but I can take a wild guess as to how this will turn out: poor performance, Bertuzzi and Flames coach Mike Keenan going all Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards on each other, Flames fans turning on Bertuzzi like Shaquille O’Neal on an ex-girlfriend, and an inglorious exit at the end of the season where Bertuzzi will deflect blame, much as he did at the press conference where the Flames introduced him (he deftly passed the buck by questioning how he was used as a Duck, rather than be honest about his own sub-par performance). Good times. Let it be said Darryl Sutter is not afraid to stir together a chilli pot that might have diarrhoea-like results.
After this, who knows? Bertuzzi is arguably the most unlikeable player in the NHL, given his history of vile actions, poor play, and inability to take responsibility for both. I suspect this might be the end of the road for Bertuzzi, and that he would have been better served going somewhere where hockey is a small blip in the local sports market. Calgary is a hockey city, and when Bertuzzi struggles, he will hear about it. Loudly. Frankly, I wonder if the Flames wouldn’t have been better off signing Glen Murray or Mark Parrish instead. The funny thing is, the Flames are still over the cap, meaning a loyal solider like Rhett Warrener will get sent to the minors to make room for Big Bert. Nothing like eating up a character guy’s roster spot to let fans and teammates know you’ve arrived. Let the Bertuzzi era in Calgary begin!
JB
Monday, September 1, 2008
Todd Bertuzzi – Destroyer of Franchises - Part I
Okay, so maybe “destroyer” is a bit tough, but how about “harmer” or “poor addition that will lead to future difficulties.” This dude has been involved in so many ill-advised hockey decisions that I have a hard time believing GMs keep offering him cash and a roster spot. The funny thing is, this doesn’t even include his attempted crippling of Steve Moore (not that I have any problem with him bulldogging a guy to the ice; I’m just glad he was stopped before he put Moore in a sharpshooter), which not only killed Moore’s hockey career, but led to end of the mildly successful Burke/Crawford era in Vancouver. I won’t delve into this issue because frankly every time I hear about it I want to randomly Bertuzzi some poor unsuspecting slob in my office. So, let’s look at the list of Bertuzzi boggles:
1) 2006 - Todd Bertuzzi, Bryan Allen and Alex Auld from the Vancouver Canucks to the Florida Panthers for Roberto Luongo, Lukas Krajieck, and a 6th round pick (Sergei Shirokov)
This ranks as one of the worst trades in NHL, and perhaps professional sports, history. Bertuzzi, limited by a bad back and a dwindling reservoir of both courage and talent, played a whopping 7 games in Florida, scoring 1 goal. Luongo solidified his rep as the best goalie in the league by leading Vancouver to a Northwest Division title and the playoffs in his first season as a Canuck, before the team slipped last year due to their complete inability to score goals or provide their fans with entertaining hockey. I know then-Florida GM Mike Keenan has stated his hands were tied by Luongo’s impending free agency, but sweet Jesus man, shop around! This trade was absolutely fucking brutal and set the Panthers back years.
2) Trade deadline 2007 – Todd Bertuzzi from the Florida Panthers to the Detroit Red Wings for Shawn Matthias and a conditional draft pick
After Bertuzzi shit the bed and was an utter failure in Florida, the Panthers went into salvage mode and flipped him to the cup-hungry Detroit Red Wings. Detroit went on a lengthy run before being bounced out by the eventual Stanley Cup champion Anaheim (Worst Team Name in Professional Sports) Ducks. Bertuzzi’s Detroit contribution? A whopping 4 points in 8 regular season games followed by an even more underwhelming 7 points in 16 playoff games. Going the other way? Shawn Matthias, a promising young player who figures to make the Panther line-up as a top 9 forward. A rare swing-and-miss by Ken Holland as Todd Bertuzzi again subtracts more than he adds to an organization. So, at this point you would think no one would touch this dude again right? He’s sure to begin hanging out with Theo Fleury, picking fights in Belfast pubs and trying out for Z-level minor pro baseball teams. Not so fast True Disbelievers!
To Be Continued
JB
1) 2006 - Todd Bertuzzi, Bryan Allen and Alex Auld from the Vancouver Canucks to the Florida Panthers for Roberto Luongo, Lukas Krajieck, and a 6th round pick (Sergei Shirokov)
This ranks as one of the worst trades in NHL, and perhaps professional sports, history. Bertuzzi, limited by a bad back and a dwindling reservoir of both courage and talent, played a whopping 7 games in Florida, scoring 1 goal. Luongo solidified his rep as the best goalie in the league by leading Vancouver to a Northwest Division title and the playoffs in his first season as a Canuck, before the team slipped last year due to their complete inability to score goals or provide their fans with entertaining hockey. I know then-Florida GM Mike Keenan has stated his hands were tied by Luongo’s impending free agency, but sweet Jesus man, shop around! This trade was absolutely fucking brutal and set the Panthers back years.
2) Trade deadline 2007 – Todd Bertuzzi from the Florida Panthers to the Detroit Red Wings for Shawn Matthias and a conditional draft pick
After Bertuzzi shit the bed and was an utter failure in Florida, the Panthers went into salvage mode and flipped him to the cup-hungry Detroit Red Wings. Detroit went on a lengthy run before being bounced out by the eventual Stanley Cup champion Anaheim (Worst Team Name in Professional Sports) Ducks. Bertuzzi’s Detroit contribution? A whopping 4 points in 8 regular season games followed by an even more underwhelming 7 points in 16 playoff games. Going the other way? Shawn Matthias, a promising young player who figures to make the Panther line-up as a top 9 forward. A rare swing-and-miss by Ken Holland as Todd Bertuzzi again subtracts more than he adds to an organization. So, at this point you would think no one would touch this dude again right? He’s sure to begin hanging out with Theo Fleury, picking fights in Belfast pubs and trying out for Z-level minor pro baseball teams. Not so fast True Disbelievers!
To Be Continued
JB
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