Strange Days...

The NHL offseason is a strange time. Desperation clouds the judgement of panic-stricken GMs as they make questionable trades, overspend on washed-up free agents, and contemplate the appeal of Todd Bertuzzi. As NHL training camps approach, we’ll soon see the fruits of NHL franchises’ offseason labour, but for now, I’m going to open a bottle of wine, think about the GMs that had the roughest ride, and reminisce about the strange summer that was…

Cliff Fletcher – Well, that was awkward, and not just the creepy tan that makes Cliff Fletcher look like the love-child of Bob Barker and Mike Shanahan. I mean the whole Bryan McCabe thing. Weird. Factor in the Darcy Tucker buyout, the overpayments for Nik Hagman and Jeff Finger (??), and Fletcher’s recent attempt at lowering expectations, and it looks like a long year for the Buds. I wonder if anyone at MLSE will notice. Perhaps Fletcher watches TV and sees a kinship with his contemporary…

Glen Sather – Um, usually when you spend nearly $40 million on a d-man, he’s way better than Wade Redden, who has recently seen his stock drop like a teenage boy’s voice when he starts talking to a pretty girl. The Rangers now have a really soft and slow backend, and a weird mix of forwards that may or may not gel (heh, I just used “soft and slow backend” and “gel” in the same sentence). Slats is working on Plan 17Q in his Ranger tenure, so no worries, I’m sure he’s on top of things. In fact, Slats is about to take the hand-off from Doug McLean in receiving the “Genital Herpes GM” trophy. Hey, speaking of Doug McLean, he was replaced by…

Scott Howson – After a year in which Howson preached patience and player development, the Columbus GM spent a shitload of cash to try to push the Blue Jackets into the playoffs. The problem is that the cash was spent on overvalued free agents (Huselius, Commodore) and suspect trade targets (Backman, Torres). Such is life trying to attract players to a franchise with no hockey heritage in a city where no one wants to play. Hey, that reminds me, didn’t he work with…

Kevin Lowe – K-Lowe finally responded to Brian Burke’s repeated bitchslaps by calling him out for the overrated fucktard he is. Oh, he also upgraded the talent on the Oilers roster and nearly crippled the future cap flexibility of the club with a ludicrous offer to Marian Hossa, a short-sighted move that will likely be revisited next year. Yay. Hiring Steve Tambellini was a nice coup, but the summer had a lot of ups and downs, including a new billionaire who appears ready to flex his financial muscle in bringing the mullet back. I think Lowe is kicking it at Margaritaville as we speak.

Yeah, the offseason is kind of weird. I’ll be stoked when games begin and Sheldon Souray misses 55 games with a sports hernia incurred while piling into his hot wife, leading to the “When is the end of Sheldon Souray’s contract?” countdown. Bring on the season!

JB