Roughly a quarter of the way through the season and Edmonton Oiler fans, including myself, are quickly evolving from being optimistic to finding that fuzzy and dangerous zone personified by Michael Douglas in Falling Down. In summary, the team sucks, and nothing illustrated that more than a pathetic effort Wednesday night against a Kings team that was curb-stomped by the Flames the previous evening. That the Kings played the night before is just one part of the equation; the Oil had five days of rest heading into the game, so the loss was a particularly stinging junk-punch to fans and perhaps an indicator that the players are starting to tune out Craig MacTavish.
The long and largely mediocre run of MacT as the head coach in Edmonton is usually justified by MacT supporters by the miracle Cup run of 2006; what people seem to forget is that the club lost, and the next year was an absolute fucking atrocity. Still, I have some sympathy for MacT, as Kevin Lowe wasn’t exactly flawless with his roster management this off-season. Questionable decisions include:
a) The three-headed goalie monster. This is a clusterfuck, and has frustrated the goalies, fans, and most likely, every player in the locker room. I’m sure even Joey Moss has had enough.
b) Letting Curtis Glencross walk while getting cockteased by Hossa and Jagr in the summer free agent frenzy. The 3rd and 4th lines have clearly lacked any jam or sense of urgency. Perhaps they didn’t like the whopping $1.2 million a year he was asking for, but he clearly fit last year. Considering MA Pouliot is making $1 million this season to fill a locker and Zach “Totally Fucking Useless” Stortini received a 2 year deal, I think signing Glencross was an easy decision. I guess when you’re not a 1st round draft pick bust or a coach’s pet project, your contributions can be overlooked.
c) The lack of balance in the forward lines. Trading for Erik Cole was a good idea. Playing him out of position and then trying to make a consistent 25 goal scorer a 3rd line checker is not. I’m guessing he won’t be clamoring to resign when his free agent number comes up on July 1st. The Kid Line was magic in a bottle last year, but it is readily apparent teams are better prepared for them this year. Perhaps juggling the lines and playing a rugged veteran on the exceedingly soft 2nd line might help.
Now, this doesn’t excuse MacT’s perpetual line blender, the undeserved promotion of Kelly Buchberger from his unsuccessful AHL coaching gig, his insistence on playing guys out of position, or the ridiculous double standards he holds for “safe players” who contribute nothing but don’t make mistakes. I just think it shows that there are many cooks in this smelly, rotting kitchen, and that another playoff miss requires the new owner to take a hard look at the organizational structure of the franchise.
Clearly, shit is just not right with this club.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Monday, November 17, 2008
Good Night to the Mullet
A not-so-graceful stint for notorious mullet wearer Barry Melrose cam to a merciful conclusion last week, as Melrose was shit-canned by fantasy hockey league players/Tampa Bay Lightning owners Len Barrie and Oren Koules. Clearly, this franchise is a total state of disarray, and now hands over the coaching reigns to Rick “The Gambler” Tocchet. Let’s take a look in the rear view mirror at the many strange moves by this club in the last 6 months:
a) Emasculating Jay Feaster – Say what you will about some of Feaster’s moves, but he does have a Cup on his resume and grabbed a solid return in the Brad Richards deal. This firing was probably a little unfair to say the least.
b) Hiring Barry Melrose- 15 years is a long time, and Melrose was clearly outmatch as evidenced by his short stint.
c) Resigning Dan Boyle to a long-term deal and then trading him – Boyle is prospering in San Jose, and it is pretty clear the Lightning currently lack the transition game necessary to thrive in today’s game. Oh wait, they have Steve Eminger, so it’s going to be okay now.
d) Signing 47 free agent forwards – Clearly, all those forwards have yet to glue for the Lightning and I don’t think some of them ever will (yes, I’m looking at you Radim Vrbata).
e) Trading Matt Carle – To say you’re trading the prime piece of the Dan Boyle trade to clear salary cap space is either a) disingenuous or b) reflective of how fucking confused team management is. Take your pick.
There you have it. This team looks like a club somebody puts together in a fantasy pool; lots of recognizable names, but no real fit. We’ll see if they’ve got enough character in their room to pull it together. I have a hard time believing this group is last in the league in scoring, but it is what it is. This could be a long season in Tampa.
I predict:
a) About 7 more trades
b) The resurface of Lecavalier to Montreal rumors
c) Team bankruptcy.
Oh well, at least the Bucs and the Rays are good.
a) Emasculating Jay Feaster – Say what you will about some of Feaster’s moves, but he does have a Cup on his resume and grabbed a solid return in the Brad Richards deal. This firing was probably a little unfair to say the least.
b) Hiring Barry Melrose- 15 years is a long time, and Melrose was clearly outmatch as evidenced by his short stint.
c) Resigning Dan Boyle to a long-term deal and then trading him – Boyle is prospering in San Jose, and it is pretty clear the Lightning currently lack the transition game necessary to thrive in today’s game. Oh wait, they have Steve Eminger, so it’s going to be okay now.
d) Signing 47 free agent forwards – Clearly, all those forwards have yet to glue for the Lightning and I don’t think some of them ever will (yes, I’m looking at you Radim Vrbata).
e) Trading Matt Carle – To say you’re trading the prime piece of the Dan Boyle trade to clear salary cap space is either a) disingenuous or b) reflective of how fucking confused team management is. Take your pick.
There you have it. This team looks like a club somebody puts together in a fantasy pool; lots of recognizable names, but no real fit. We’ll see if they’ve got enough character in their room to pull it together. I have a hard time believing this group is last in the league in scoring, but it is what it is. This could be a long season in Tampa.
I predict:
a) About 7 more trades
b) The resurface of Lecavalier to Montreal rumors
c) Team bankruptcy.
Oh well, at least the Bucs and the Rays are good.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
HockeySmack Is Not Dead... and snapshots
With life catching up with us here at HockeySmack, we’ve clearly been a wee bit negligent in keeping up our work here. Well, we’re going to try to keep on trucking with more frequent takes on shit going down in the world of hockey. So, here are some rapid takes on the first month of the season:
TB Lightning: Not off to a flying start. Their combination of personnel moves and coaching hire (The Mullet) leaves you wondering if important decisions are made in consultation with a couple of 8-balls of cocaine, a few bottles of Scotch and some high-priced escorts. The Matt Carle trade is just the latest “What the fuck?!?” moment since the Lightning “braintrust” started calling the shots. The results are just a wee bit confusing to say the least. Come on now Lightning ownership: focus!
Minnesota Wild: Good start. I would still rather have a three-way with any two of the Golden Girls than watch a Wild game though.
Denis Savard – Shitcanned after 4 games. Huh? Well, you’ll always have the spinarama Denis!
Edmonton Oilers – More inconsistent than Tori Spelling’s physical appearance in Beverly Hills 90210, the Oil have been all over the road in just about every facet of their game. The Kid Line is suffering a collective sophomore slump, and the goaltending has been more bad than good. I see a Kari Lehtonen trade in my crystal ball…
Detroit Red Wings– Way good. Look out Western Conference.
Florida Panthers – Still brutal. Still likely to trade Bouwmeester. Nice to see progress. Can we not have a team in Miami please?
Todd Bertuzzi – On pace to be -40. Great pick up. The Flames appear to be more up and down than a pregnant woman’s mood swings. Looks like Alberta hockey fans are in for a roller coaster ride this season.
CBC – Not feeling the new song, and really hating Mike Milbury. How the fuck can arguably the worst GM in NHL history have any credibility as an analyst? Compound that with the stammering and clueless PJ Stock, and even the animatronic robot pretending to be the long dead Don Cherry seems informed in comparison.
Note: Seeing Don Cherry in high def is really weird. He wears more make-up than Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls, and looks like he could pass as the Ghost of Christmas Future. Please retire Grapes!
Eklund: An E4 on Eklund remaining totally full of shit.
TB Lightning: Not off to a flying start. Their combination of personnel moves and coaching hire (The Mullet) leaves you wondering if important decisions are made in consultation with a couple of 8-balls of cocaine, a few bottles of Scotch and some high-priced escorts. The Matt Carle trade is just the latest “What the fuck?!?” moment since the Lightning “braintrust” started calling the shots. The results are just a wee bit confusing to say the least. Come on now Lightning ownership: focus!
Minnesota Wild: Good start. I would still rather have a three-way with any two of the Golden Girls than watch a Wild game though.
Denis Savard – Shitcanned after 4 games. Huh? Well, you’ll always have the spinarama Denis!
Edmonton Oilers – More inconsistent than Tori Spelling’s physical appearance in Beverly Hills 90210, the Oil have been all over the road in just about every facet of their game. The Kid Line is suffering a collective sophomore slump, and the goaltending has been more bad than good. I see a Kari Lehtonen trade in my crystal ball…
Detroit Red Wings– Way good. Look out Western Conference.
Florida Panthers – Still brutal. Still likely to trade Bouwmeester. Nice to see progress. Can we not have a team in Miami please?
Todd Bertuzzi – On pace to be -40. Great pick up. The Flames appear to be more up and down than a pregnant woman’s mood swings. Looks like Alberta hockey fans are in for a roller coaster ride this season.
CBC – Not feeling the new song, and really hating Mike Milbury. How the fuck can arguably the worst GM in NHL history have any credibility as an analyst? Compound that with the stammering and clueless PJ Stock, and even the animatronic robot pretending to be the long dead Don Cherry seems informed in comparison.
Note: Seeing Don Cherry in high def is really weird. He wears more make-up than Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls, and looks like he could pass as the Ghost of Christmas Future. Please retire Grapes!
Eklund: An E4 on Eklund remaining totally full of shit.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Some musings right before the opening face-off
A) Roster spots aren’t guaranteed for anyone. Look at the dudes who got chucked on waivers lately: a bunch of semi-reliable veterans who, in the “old NHL” (by the way, when will broadcasters stop using this retarded phrase? I stop calling underwear “new” after I wear them once. The post-lockout NHL has now had 3 Stanley Cup champions. Give up the “new” already.”) would still have NHL jobs. Now they’re super expensive bus jockeys in the AHL, shipped to the mobster-laden KHL, or ride the pine hard for an NHL team that doesn’t want them. I guess being a multi-millionaire with a wicked hot hockey wife isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
B) Tampa looked like shit. The Lightning were outshot 2-1 in their opening Euro-games with the NY Rangers, and seemed unable to move the puck from their backend or sustain any pressure in the Ranger zone. Luckily, Mike Smith and Ollie the Goalie were on fire, but they can’t expect their goalies to be late-90s Dominik Hasek all season. Either the Rangers are way better than I thought, or Captain Mullet had better get his shit together and organize his club. Picking up Louis Kraijeck is not the answer, and pretty well duplicates the other young d-men on the roster.
C) Some teams are in big trouble on and off the ice. Echoing an earlier rant I wrote, it’s nice to see the NHL kicked off in Europe while hearing that:
a. The Atlanta Thrashers only had 40% season ticket renewal and look poised to be fucking terrible this year.
b. The continuing ownership clusterfuck in Nashville is alive and well.
c. The tanking economy threatens league revenues.
Well done Monsieur Bettman. Continue to fiddle while Rome burns. Dipshit.
Taking a look at all that, I guess it’s safe to say I am stoked for the season to start in full. Bring on the sweet goals, big hits, and brutal fights!
JB
B) Tampa looked like shit. The Lightning were outshot 2-1 in their opening Euro-games with the NY Rangers, and seemed unable to move the puck from their backend or sustain any pressure in the Ranger zone. Luckily, Mike Smith and Ollie the Goalie were on fire, but they can’t expect their goalies to be late-90s Dominik Hasek all season. Either the Rangers are way better than I thought, or Captain Mullet had better get his shit together and organize his club. Picking up Louis Kraijeck is not the answer, and pretty well duplicates the other young d-men on the roster.
C) Some teams are in big trouble on and off the ice. Echoing an earlier rant I wrote, it’s nice to see the NHL kicked off in Europe while hearing that:
a. The Atlanta Thrashers only had 40% season ticket renewal and look poised to be fucking terrible this year.
b. The continuing ownership clusterfuck in Nashville is alive and well.
c. The tanking economy threatens league revenues.
Well done Monsieur Bettman. Continue to fiddle while Rome burns. Dipshit.
Taking a look at all that, I guess it’s safe to say I am stoked for the season to start in full. Bring on the sweet goals, big hits, and brutal fights!
JB
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
J.P. Ricciardi - The 2008 Genital Herpes Award Winner in Major League Baseball
Yes, it’s true: it seems that Toronto Blue Jays GM J.P. Ricciardi will be returning for the 2009 season, which would be the 8th year of his tenure. Now I know this blog is titled “Hockeysmack” but I can’t stomach this bullshit anymore. Every year I get stoked for Blue Jay baseball, and every year the team is a disappointment, devastated by dismal free agent performance, an inability to both pitch and hit in the same season, and abysmal managing by non-descript J.P.bots (Carlos Tosca? John Gibbons? Weren’t they the same dude?) hired to be an extension of the front office. So, after 7 years of failure, what is Ricciardi’s reward? Same old, same old. Fan-fucking-tastic.
Let’s take a look at some of the roster “improvements” made of late by the smug, arrogant dark Blue Jay Sith:
a) Frank Thomas – 2 years, $20 million, with a player option for a 3rd year at $10 mil if the Big Hurt reached a specific number of at-bats. J.P., fearful of that player option, released Thomas, who basically earned $20 mil for a year. Nice! Well J.P., you did sign a nearly 40-year-old DH with an extensive injury history who can’t play in the field. What the fuck did you expect? That he had upside?
b) Shannon Stewart for Reed Johnson. Johnson, beloved by fans and teammates alike, was released in spring training to make room for Shannon Stewart. Yikes. Stewart will surely be taking BP soon with Theo Fleury for the Calgary Vipers; Johnson seems to be recovering well, platooning with Jim Edmonds for the playoff bound Cubs. So, he received all his cash from the Jays to not play, more cash from the Cubs, got to play in Chicago, and is now going to the playoffs? Someone whose initials kind of rhyme with “VD” is getting a fruitcake for Christmas this year…
c) Bad contracts – Corey Koskie. Eric Hinske. B.J. Ryan (I like him, but $45 million for a closer not named Rivera? No thanks). Vernon Wells (not worth his latest contract extension). David Eckstein.
d) Bad drafting – Some prospects are finally hitting the big club (Snider, Purcey, Lind, Hill, Marcum) but busts like Russ Adams and Ricky Romero have hurt the organization in a major way; when you can’t spend with the Yankees and the Red Sox, you have to develop players. Not under J.P., who was actually the director of scouting with the Oakland Athletics before being hired to sabotage the Blue Jays.
Well, what can I say? A vote for J.P is a vote for perpetual cockteasing. 80-85 wins and a litany of excuses is all I’ve come to expect from this douche bag. What next? $60 million for the injury-prone free agent shortstop Rafael Furcal? $30 million for another aging DH (Jason Giambi)? Oh well. At least it’s not my money.
JB
Let’s take a look at some of the roster “improvements” made of late by the smug, arrogant dark Blue Jay Sith:
a) Frank Thomas – 2 years, $20 million, with a player option for a 3rd year at $10 mil if the Big Hurt reached a specific number of at-bats. J.P., fearful of that player option, released Thomas, who basically earned $20 mil for a year. Nice! Well J.P., you did sign a nearly 40-year-old DH with an extensive injury history who can’t play in the field. What the fuck did you expect? That he had upside?
b) Shannon Stewart for Reed Johnson. Johnson, beloved by fans and teammates alike, was released in spring training to make room for Shannon Stewart. Yikes. Stewart will surely be taking BP soon with Theo Fleury for the Calgary Vipers; Johnson seems to be recovering well, platooning with Jim Edmonds for the playoff bound Cubs. So, he received all his cash from the Jays to not play, more cash from the Cubs, got to play in Chicago, and is now going to the playoffs? Someone whose initials kind of rhyme with “VD” is getting a fruitcake for Christmas this year…
c) Bad contracts – Corey Koskie. Eric Hinske. B.J. Ryan (I like him, but $45 million for a closer not named Rivera? No thanks). Vernon Wells (not worth his latest contract extension). David Eckstein.
d) Bad drafting – Some prospects are finally hitting the big club (Snider, Purcey, Lind, Hill, Marcum) but busts like Russ Adams and Ricky Romero have hurt the organization in a major way; when you can’t spend with the Yankees and the Red Sox, you have to develop players. Not under J.P., who was actually the director of scouting with the Oakland Athletics before being hired to sabotage the Blue Jays.
Well, what can I say? A vote for J.P is a vote for perpetual cockteasing. 80-85 wins and a litany of excuses is all I’ve come to expect from this douche bag. What next? $60 million for the injury-prone free agent shortstop Rafael Furcal? $30 million for another aging DH (Jason Giambi)? Oh well. At least it’s not my money.
JB
Sunday, September 28, 2008
5 Most Boring To Watch
Last week I took a gander at the 5 teams I would be most likely to make time to watch. Now it’s time for the Bizarro-exciting, or in other words, the teams I would rather fuck a hole in the ground than watch. The teams o’ suck are:
1) Minnesota Wild – With the NHL’s division-heavy schedule, I have had the misfortune of watching way too many Wild-Oilers games the last few years. Even with a talent like Marion Gaborik, watching the Wild rates at roughly a three on my finger list, meaning I would rather cut off three of my fingers than watch a Wild game. Merci Monsieur Lemaire.
2) New Jersey Devils – In the 1990s, the Stanley Cup championship of the New York Rangers, coupled with the 1st retirement of Micahel Jordan, led the NHL to a close rivalry in terms of popularity in the U.S. with the NBA. The NHL was fortunate enough to follow that exciting Rangers championship the next year with the crowning double achievement of a season-shortening lockout and a New Jersey Devils Stanley Cup win. This win started a long (and existing) tradition of talent short teams using a neutral-zone trap system to compete, which turned the fastest team sport in the world into a product that turned fans away in droves. On second thought, maybe the lockout was preferable. Anyways, the Devils still suck salty balls to watch, so they make the list.
3) Vancouver Canucks – Poor Roberto Luongo. Poor Mike Gillis, who appears terribly overmatched as a GM. Poor Canucks fans, recharged in the flawed but entertaining Burke/Crawford era, only to be stuck with the current fiasco. A Canucks game is good for three things: great goaltending, no scoring, and a bunch of pussies who are afraid to fight. Enjoy!
4) Boston Bruins – Led by Claude Julien, the Bruins play a trap system, like the Wild and Devils. While arguably more talented than the above two, I think I would find a Roseanne Barr/Tom Arnold sex tape more entertaining than a string of B’s games.
5) New York Islanders – This is more of a hunch, as they have a new coach and a very young roster. I just have a feeling that this team is going to getting their lunch served to them on a regular basis this season. The charm of a 6-2 score wears thin when it shows up in a quarter of the games.
JB
1) Minnesota Wild – With the NHL’s division-heavy schedule, I have had the misfortune of watching way too many Wild-Oilers games the last few years. Even with a talent like Marion Gaborik, watching the Wild rates at roughly a three on my finger list, meaning I would rather cut off three of my fingers than watch a Wild game. Merci Monsieur Lemaire.
2) New Jersey Devils – In the 1990s, the Stanley Cup championship of the New York Rangers, coupled with the 1st retirement of Micahel Jordan, led the NHL to a close rivalry in terms of popularity in the U.S. with the NBA. The NHL was fortunate enough to follow that exciting Rangers championship the next year with the crowning double achievement of a season-shortening lockout and a New Jersey Devils Stanley Cup win. This win started a long (and existing) tradition of talent short teams using a neutral-zone trap system to compete, which turned the fastest team sport in the world into a product that turned fans away in droves. On second thought, maybe the lockout was preferable. Anyways, the Devils still suck salty balls to watch, so they make the list.
3) Vancouver Canucks – Poor Roberto Luongo. Poor Mike Gillis, who appears terribly overmatched as a GM. Poor Canucks fans, recharged in the flawed but entertaining Burke/Crawford era, only to be stuck with the current fiasco. A Canucks game is good for three things: great goaltending, no scoring, and a bunch of pussies who are afraid to fight. Enjoy!
4) Boston Bruins – Led by Claude Julien, the Bruins play a trap system, like the Wild and Devils. While arguably more talented than the above two, I think I would find a Roseanne Barr/Tom Arnold sex tape more entertaining than a string of B’s games.
5) New York Islanders – This is more of a hunch, as they have a new coach and a very young roster. I just have a feeling that this team is going to getting their lunch served to them on a regular basis this season. The charm of a 6-2 score wears thin when it shows up in a quarter of the games.
JB
Sunday, September 21, 2008
5 Most Exciting To Watch
In the next few days, the Hac and I are going to take a run at nailing down the teams we figure will be both the most exciting and the most boring to watch. After all, sports are about being entertained, and there are definitely some clubs I’ll be programming the DVR to record. Here are the teams I figure will be the cat’s ass in terms of sheer entertainment value:
1) Tampa Bay Lightning – This team is going to score a shitload of goals. They will also give up a shitload of goals. Sounds good to me. There are few things as awesome as watching a 7-6 game featuring two clubs I have no emotional attachment to. Every Lightning game will have its share of highlights of both the astonishing and head-slapping variety. That being said, I still think the Lightning ownership group is fucking crazy.
2) Pittsburgh Penguins – Sidney Crosby. Evgeni Malkin. Enough said.
3) Washington Capitals – Alexander Ovechkin is arguably the most entertaining player in hockey for his goal-scoring ability, enthusiasm, and tendency to regularly crush opposing d-men with his forechecking. The Caps are another team that are going to score a ton, and with Jose “I Show Up For Contract Years” Theodore in net, chances are high Bruce Boudreau will continue to evolve into a live-action facsimile of Charlie Brown. Good times.
4) Chicago Blackhawks – The Blackhawks have one of the best young core groups of any NHL franchise. Their roster is loaded with exciting forwards and talented young d-men. They also have 2 vastly overpaid goalies, meaning that their next logical move is to bring in Dan Cloutier as a 3rd goalie. Plus, you never know when Martin Havlat will a) try to kick someone or b) suffer a broken something or other. Either way, he’s likely to do something this season to solidify his rep as the biggest pussy in the league.
5) Edmonton Oilers – Sure, I’m a homer, but the Oil can fly up and down the ice and really move the puck from the backend. They also might be the first team to go an entire game without winning a face-off, which will be both astounding and stupefying. Factor in their tendency to go to the shootout, and almost every Oiler game (excluding games against the Minnesota Wild) is must-see TV.
JB
1) Tampa Bay Lightning – This team is going to score a shitload of goals. They will also give up a shitload of goals. Sounds good to me. There are few things as awesome as watching a 7-6 game featuring two clubs I have no emotional attachment to. Every Lightning game will have its share of highlights of both the astonishing and head-slapping variety. That being said, I still think the Lightning ownership group is fucking crazy.
2) Pittsburgh Penguins – Sidney Crosby. Evgeni Malkin. Enough said.
3) Washington Capitals – Alexander Ovechkin is arguably the most entertaining player in hockey for his goal-scoring ability, enthusiasm, and tendency to regularly crush opposing d-men with his forechecking. The Caps are another team that are going to score a ton, and with Jose “I Show Up For Contract Years” Theodore in net, chances are high Bruce Boudreau will continue to evolve into a live-action facsimile of Charlie Brown. Good times.
4) Chicago Blackhawks – The Blackhawks have one of the best young core groups of any NHL franchise. Their roster is loaded with exciting forwards and talented young d-men. They also have 2 vastly overpaid goalies, meaning that their next logical move is to bring in Dan Cloutier as a 3rd goalie. Plus, you never know when Martin Havlat will a) try to kick someone or b) suffer a broken something or other. Either way, he’s likely to do something this season to solidify his rep as the biggest pussy in the league.
5) Edmonton Oilers – Sure, I’m a homer, but the Oil can fly up and down the ice and really move the puck from the backend. They also might be the first team to go an entire game without winning a face-off, which will be both astounding and stupefying. Factor in their tendency to go to the shootout, and almost every Oiler game (excluding games against the Minnesota Wild) is must-see TV.
JB
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